My salad dressing days


Welcome to Britain’s provincial pubs’ pecking order
May 19, 2010, 10:23 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

We pass the sign that says ‘No under-18s in the bar area’ and we are just about to ask the ruddy-cheeked bartender (a) what constitutes ‘the bar area’ and (b) where small children can be tethered instead when he bellows ‘No under-18s in the bar area’.

We establish the exact location of the bar area (this side of the fireplace) and the fact that small children can be either tethered approximately 75cm away from the bar area or allowed to run around like loons in the beer garden.

‘Why are children not allowed in the bar area?’ asks my son.

‘I have no idea, darling,’ I reply.

His brow furrows as he pauses for a minute.

‘Maybe it’s because kids might make some noise and the man can’t hear what people are trying to order,’ he speculates.

This seems as plausible a reason as any, so I reply: ‘You are probably right, honey.’

One graceless waiter and four rounds of oven chips with assorted protein types later and we decide to make tracks.

Before leaving, we do, however, establish that canine customers are permitted in the bar area.

How delightful.



Dear Ms Wintour…
March 7, 2010, 9:54 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

OK. So I’m a little late to the party but I finally watched ‘The September Issue’ last night. And I’m all like: yo, Anna! You edit a glossy women’s magazine fergawdssake. You’re not solving world poverty. You’re playing big girl’s dress-up with the under-nourished. Even your daughter has rumbled you. Now go take a humility pill.

Next!



Lock up your daughters
December 3, 2009, 12:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Is this the most vile toy ever?

Gender stereotyping – check
Promotion of rampant consumerism – check
Landfill-bound plastic tat – check

(Hat tip: Pink Stinks)



Eat this, Kate
November 24, 2009, 7:08 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Kate Moss apparently believes that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

Doesn’t she know how goooooooooood fat feels?

Patently not.



You do the math
October 14, 2009, 11:57 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

The men I know who profess a desire to have a ‘football team’ sized family are invariably the ones who are perpetually absent from the family home and do sweet FA when they are around. Funny that, eh?

Lately I’ve been subjected to multiple episodes of ‘Undercover Dad’, wherein perpetually absent Dads are given a latex face, wig and some dodgy clothing (in the style of Robin Williams in ‘Mrs Doubtfire’) so that they can pose as a nanny and spend more time with their Dad-deprived kids.

The families in question consistently have a minimum of three children – always more than the national average of 1.96 – plus a frazzled Mum (natch).

So: houseful of young children. Perpetually absent, under-involved Dads*.

Coincidence? You decide.

* disclaimer: this should not be taken to imply that all fathers of large broods are freeloading no-hopers – some fathers of large families are utterly splendid and enormously helpful…some even change nappies and do night feeds and take small children to early morning weekend football practice et cetera



The funny in this household
August 12, 2009, 11:25 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Raita

Any mention of a handbag in this household is met with Wildean proclamations of ‘A handbag? A handbag?’.

And any suggestion of ordering raita from the Indian takeaway provokes an impromptu rendition of ‘Paperback raita, paperback raita…’.

Don’t know why this is so damn funny, but it is.



Why my children will not be seeing ‘Coraline’
March 3, 2009, 10:17 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Thank you, IMDB.