My salad dressing days


Vested interests
September 29, 2008, 10:43 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

“We want to see ice cream made with human breast milk!” said the animal rights campaign group with a penchant for high-profile publicity stunts who actually have no intention of lobbying Unilever to pay lactating women to make ice cream.

“We have no intention of making ice cream with human breast milk!” responded the jumpy PR of the manufacturers who fear that consumers may mistake this coverage for an announcement from them which might in turn impact on the sales of their premium ice cream products.

“This is all very silly – cows are more than happy to provide the essential ingredient for premium ice cream!” said the organisation that represents the people whose livelihood depends on the sales of this essential ingredient and whose industry is already ailing.

“This is a great story! How about ‘New threat to dairy farmers – ice cream with mother’s milk’ as a headline?” said the ambitious young journalist on the graduate trainee scheme who knows that, with the decline of advertising revenue, her newspaper is desperate to fill their pages with copy – even when they know it to be sensationalist nonsense.

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Job specification
September 29, 2008, 10:18 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Qualities required:

  • Ability to sympathise and commiserate
  • Ability to deliver hammed up and overly earnest pieces to camera as and when the occasion requires
  • Ability to nod sagely whilst listening to tales of woe
  • Ability to whoop excitedly at the good fortune of others

Chief duties:

  • Bear-hugging strangers
  • Backpatting and/or high-fiving men underconfident about their sexuality
  • Dispensing tissues to weeping women who have forgotten to apply waterproof mascara
  • Standing in large stadiums with hundreds of over-excited teenagers whilst a camera crew in a helicopter spend five hours getting the best panning shot

The successful candidate:

 

Dermot O'Leary

Dermot O



No talk of knitting or crochet patterns
September 16, 2008, 8:17 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

The chat amongst four female septagenarians partaking of the morning swim session at my local pool was of the demise of Lehman Bros and the global financial crisis.

Governments of the world! Ignore the power of the grey vote at your own peril!



Yeah…
September 7, 2008, 3:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized


Misnomers
September 7, 2008, 3:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Credit crunch: actually a breakfast cereal.

Flushing Meadows: actually an incontinence pad.

(Any more for any more?)



Crime novelist branches out into market gardening
September 2, 2008, 11:21 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 A man cannot live on Rebus royalties alone.

(No lettuce was harmed in the writing of this post, although it was later consumed by Great She Elephant and Marsha Klein.)