My salad dressing days


The ever-expanding parental lexicon
August 31, 2008, 9:36 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

‘Don’t be such a grizzle-bucket!’ I lamented to my daughter.

‘Grizzle-bucket??’ queried my friend.

‘I do beg your pardon. That is family-speak for “a grumpy child”,’ I translated. ‘You know how eskimos have dozens of words for snow, on account of their extensive and varied experience of frozen water? And so it is with me and grumpy children.’

‘Ah…’



Newsflash: dandruff pandemic imminent
August 26, 2008, 11:02 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
I mean, why else is my husband stockpiling Head and Shoulders?


Too old to start going to gigs
August 26, 2008, 10:31 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

‘We have to stand??’

‘Eeeew, my shoes are sticking to the floor!’

‘Do you think fire regulations really allow this many people in the venue?’

‘Where are the emergency exits?’

‘Oooh, that guy doing the sound check is good: he can play all the instruments!’

‘Wow – what is she wearingI?’

‘D’you think they know it was actually Jonah?’

*******

Still, they were fab. Officially a fan. And will officially be very annoying three years hence when I start saying things like ‘yeah, well, of course I liked them when they only had seven songs and played itsy-bitsy intimate little venues’.



Unknown unknowns
August 18, 2008, 8:51 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I visited my recently refurb’ed local library, which looks all kinds of different with its abundance of funky seating, space age machinery and lack of staff.

As if the wall-to-wall faux parquet flooring wasn’t enough to throw me off my book-seeking scent, they’ve recategorised all the books.

Mostly the new categories are fathomable but I was quickly drawn to a new-fangled section of books entitled ‘Unknown’.

On closer inspection, this section was made up of sci-fi, books about feng shui* and Batman albums.

I have so many questions…

* pronounced FUNG SCHWAY – please! and NOT ‘feng shoo-ee’



Another day, another nugget of wisdom gained
August 11, 2008, 9:14 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

If you open the door of the oven after it has hit the temperature necessary to carbonise the kids’ pizzas (not even homemade – so sue me), your waterproof mascara may melt, your top and bottom eyelashes may stick together and you may become temporarily blind. And you may swear. Loudly.



Two things
August 7, 2008, 11:26 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

If you’re thinking of illegally importing chewing gum and spitting it onto the pavements of Singapore, this is the month to be doing it.

The Singapore Police Force Band (along with the Singapore Women’s Police Pipes and Drums) are performing at this year’s Edinburgh Military Tattoo. Having seen them on Sunday, I say with some confidence that there cannot be a police officer left in the city-masquerading-as-a-country.

(Drop me a line if you’d like me to mail you some spearmint Orbit.)

*******

You know those revolting French we’re celebrating this year: the Soixante Huitards, yeah? Well! It just wouldn’t have worked if it had happened in, say, 1999.

I mean, the Quatre-Vingts Dix Neufards. Snot the same innit?

(Besides, my father tells me most of the SHs didn’t know an ouvrier from an ‘oover.)



Channelling Enid Blyton
August 5, 2008, 8:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Lately (alarmingly) I’ve found myself yelling ‘Buck up!’ to my four-year-olds.

I mean, huh? Are these the long term side effects of overdosing on Malory Towers and St Clare’s back in the 1980s?

No doubt it is just a matter of time before I start offering house guests iced buns and lashings of ginger beer.