My salad dressing days


Ladies, gentlemen, members of the Academy
May 31, 2007, 2:35 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

*flaps hands around in front of eyes in a bid to hold back the tears in the style of Hollywood actress with a face-ful of stage make-up*

I’m a nominee! For the prestigious Tenuous Connections Award! I don’t know what to say…*sniffs*…truly it is an honour simply to be nominated and to be in such fine company (“I kept David Essex waiting while I had a wee” and “Stalking Kim Wilde caused me inadvertently to shoplift” and more, oh so many more). I am humbled.

Really. It won’t matter one jot if I don’t win (VOTE FOR ME). No, I’m just so thrilled to have been nominated (VOTE FOR ME). Really there are so many more deserving entries (VOTE FOR ME).

*mwah mwah*

 

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[At the very least, hotfoot it over to Moobz. If you do vote for me, don’t expect it to count. And don’t bother voting at all if you’re poor and come from an ethnic minority. The Moobz voting system is Floridian.]



Wanted: bras and banned books
May 29, 2007, 6:57 pm
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Because we are Clean Air Act approved to burn ANYDARNTHING in our woodburning stove. (Bear with me whilst I hack to pieces some metallic effect Ikea Billy shelves. Hey, it’s chilly in da Burgh tonight. Needs must.)



In conversation with Nature
May 28, 2007, 1:52 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

[In a campsite somewhere near the Kyle of Lochalsh]

UC: Man, is this rain and wind EVER going to stop?

Nature: [laughing] Um, nope?

UC: [indignant] I swear those are 80mph gusts and not 40mph ones like it said on the BBC website!

Nature: Em Pee Aitch? I’ll give you Em Pee Aitch, sista! [whoosh] Besides, I laugh in the face of the Bee Bee See website. I snigger at the efforts of the Meteorological Office. I chortle at the ludicrous house-building methods of the three little pigs!

UC: Oh, for the love of all things holy, could you at least drop the wind? The rain, I could live with.

Nature: Never! I am Mother****er Nature. I am Almighty. Try as you might, little earthlings, to tame me, I WILL ALWAYS WIN! Suck it up!

*******

‘This is Steve Wright In The Afternoon. So! The UK weather today will be mostly fine, highs of around 16 degrees, with the odd shower.’



Feeding the habit
May 10, 2007, 2:24 pm
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Posted by PicasaMy Mary Jane habit.
(Still, it’s cheaper than crack.)


Tools of the devil
May 6, 2007, 8:55 pm
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Eyebrow plucking. Why? Why do this? What is it with the whole plucking them into oblivion thing? What is it with the plucking them into oblivion and then drawing them back in thing? Whither the appeal of the permanently surprised look? Many a natural beauty has been spoilt – and many an unnatural beauty obliterated – by over-plucking.

Let us weigh up the evidence:

The case for over-plucking
Pammy: present
Pammy’s eyebrows: absent without leave

The case for non-plucking
Frida: absent
Frida’s eyebrow(s): present and correct

No contest (surely).

Sisters, put your hands up and step away from the tweezers. They’re for pulling out splinters, you hear me?



Oh, I’ve seen it all now
May 3, 2007, 10:19 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Yesterday’s episode of The Apprentice.

Katie (university-educated, self-professed ‘alpha female’) and Paul (former Army lieutenant) try to sell pork sausages.

To a butcher.

A Muslim butcher.

During Ramadan.