My salad dressing days

My inner prejudices stripped bare
April 13, 2007, 8:58 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I love a regional accent, me. Scouse, Geordie, Brummie, Weegie. Heck, I can even accept a Welshman’s ‘perfoom’ (when everyone knows it should be ‘perf-yoom’).

I applaud the increasing absence of RP from our airwaves (although I harbour some affection for Celia Johnson’s ‘heppily merried woman’).

But I realised earlier this week that when it comes to the accents of airline pilots, I like ’em posh’n’plummy. I want them to have been expensively educated. To call their parents ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ even when they are themselves grandparents. To make regular use of ‘jolly’ as an adverb. I also like in them the merest dash of nonchalance when it comes to their employment. [‘Heavens, you think this is flying? Good gracious! I mean, bloody hell, I only gave up flying Harrier jumpjets because of my gammy knee…still fly Spitfires on the weekends…Battle of Britain and all that…’] Oh, and I like them to be male.

Conversely, I like my flight attendants to hail from repressed minority groups: specifically gay men and older women. My own scientific, peer-reviewed studies have revealed higher levels of ‘good craic’ on flights which are served by one or more gay, male flight attendants. And perhaps my preference for an older female flight attendant stems from the surly treatment a younger woman (such as mygoodself, at all of *coughs* thirty-mumbles-years-old) often receives from a flight attendant who is below or around her own age. [‘You hauled me away from my first attempt to join the Mile High Club with a Z-list celebrity* to ask if you could swap your BLT for a chicken mayo panini? Go get your own!’] Whereas an older female flight attendant would, unbidden, tap on your shoulder to say: ‘Here’s an extra blanket, pet – it’s awful chilly this air con, isn’t it?’.

So, in conclusion, my ideal flight crew would consist of Ian McKellen as First Officer with Graham Norton and Motherhen as flight attendants.

I don’t know what this says about me.

I worry about what this says about me.

(Except that I would – of course – eschew the evil that is planet-destroying air travel. And take the train. To Sydney.)

* not that I’m calling Mr Fiennes a Z-list sleb, oh no


14 Comments so far
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*checks armpits for traces of BO*

Comment by Urban Chick

I agree 100% about what pilots and flight attendants should be like. I haven’t been on a plane for over ten years, but that’s definitely what I would like to find once I regained consciousness after being knocked out and placed forcibly in the cabin.

I don’t agree with what you say about accents, though, but I would probably be stoned to death were I to say what I think about certain regional accents so I’ll just carry on shouting at the radio/TV in the privacy of my home. LOL!

Comment by Bela

Imagine the antithesis of this: Kerry Katona at the controls of the plane, with Lily Allen and Cheryl GirlsAloud taking care of our every need as cabin crew. In fact, I think I flew Ryanair with that exact crew recently.

Comment by schoolgatemum

…oh, and Paris Hilton on check-in. Like she cares about your vegetarian meal.

Comment by schoolgatemum

Great fun to read, as usual. Although I honestly don’t know how anyone can “join” the Mile High Club. I can barely move my own body around in the restroom; how are two bodies supposed to fit in there?

Comment by WinterWheat

Ha! I know what you mean!

Comment by Julia Buckley

like my pilots plummy too and (sexist of me) male — and cabin crew who have had a child sick on their lap at least once in their life — oughta be a requirement of the job.

Comment by Eden

May I join the same flight? Sounds fun.
PS Tell Eden to get herself blogged on. We miss her.

Comment by @themill

I was a BA stewardess in the 70s and 80s…started out as the original BOAC Air Hostess in the mini dress dark tights and white gloves. In those days ALL the crew were plummy, the young cabin crew (me) were 100% solicitous and professional or SACKED and the flight crew were all like Gregory Peck. I was chosen to represent the Tristar crew when we named the first after Princess Margaret. Chatting at the lunch, she asked me how we coped with dehydration. ‘We drink a lot’ I said. ‘Oh1 So do we!’ she replied ‘ Lorts of sqash, lorts of tea….and GALLONS of Elcohol!!!!!’

Comment by Grouse

Lovely to meet you, Urban Chick. I used to be an urban chick, too – before I swapped my little black dress for a little brown dog (fits much better and, funnily enough, no white marks around the armpits, either.)


Comment by LittleBrownDog

Hi Urban Chick, lovely to meet you, got rather fond of your pal Eden during a recent job application that we both turned up too. Do like a nice authoratative pilot myself, and a flight attendant who minces and offers cheesy nibbles, as one did on on of my flights recently, is somehow comforting.

Comment by Suffolkmum

what a fantastically random post. what got you thinking aobut that? isn’t it funny the way pilots talk? all kind of clipped and spare. i remember a friend of mine telling me he was on a flight that was terribly delayed and the captain apologised that they’d missed their slot and would have to wait longer – and he said, ‘this is you captain, captain godot …’
i think i’d have got off there and then

Comment by rivergirlie

What I tried to say but it wouldnt letme was I am quite partial to Ozzie male pilots but failing that a niceplummy one will do! AND fly Air papau new Guinea the stewardesses are built like brick ~~~~houses and can disarm a drunk with one steely look.


Ooooo – I like that steely look thing! Personally, although never an air hostess, I’ve found it immensely useful in my role as a mother. Eh, UC?

Comment by motherhen

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