My salad dressing days

Why this blog must remain anonymous
December 20, 2006, 11:04 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

We’ve decided to worry about bird flu again.

A former bird flu government minister has said he’s worried that the foreign companies with whom the UK government has ‘sleeping contracts’ for the vaccine won’t end up handing over the goods when it comes to the crunch.

‘The crunch’ being: a pandemicky type of scenario.

On account of European competition laws, we were not allowed to just give contracts to UK pharmaceutical companies willy nilly, so some Italians and Eastern Europeans are going to be making the vaccines for us. Ya-ha!

Except that in the event of the pandemicky type scenario, there probably won’t end up being enough vaccines to go around, so the bird flu minister reckons (foreign) hoi polloi will be holding up employees of pharmaceutical companies and demanding that they hand over some vials of vaccine OR DIE. So they’ll never get anywhere near old Blighty.

(Although there is one pharmaceutical company in the UK which will manufacture the vaccine. In a major city. You think I’m gonna tell you WHICH major city? Uh-uh.)

So we read this article in a major newspaper (not telling you which one) and there then ensued a frenzied discussion between Mr Chick and I. But there is nothing worse than feeling like The Powerless Citizen and the health editor chipped in with his own opinion piece at the bottom saying the third way is for the UK government to get lots of Tamiflu for everyone, ’cause chances are the pandemicky type flu could be ‘related’ (technical medical terminology) so get everyone vaccinated and then start worrying about revolting Italians and Eastern Europeans.

Ever the small government man, Mr Chick does not feel that this will happen and concludes that bureaucracy is going to get in the way of our family’s healthcare needs and that we should find out where we can buy Tamiflu for our family members and stockpile it in our fridge, along with some masks, alcohol gel and tinned peaches.

I say: “What about the syringes? Y’know, for administering the jab?”
He says: “We will dress up shabbily and go to the local drug rehab centre and ask for some. Edinburgh is, after all, the AIDS capital of Europe!”
Top plan, I think to myself.

I say: “But who will do the injections? If we ask the GP, surely they will just try to nick the vaccines off us for their own families?”
He says: “You must do a nursing degree.”
I nod.

Other plans include:

* moving to the major UK city where a vaccine will be manufactured and find employment in said pharmaceutical company. As a scientist. After taking a degree in pharmacy.
* moving to Italy or Eastern European country and finding employment as night cleaner in relevant pharmaceutical companies. After taking night classes in Italian or Bulgarian.

Maybe we’re being silly. And maybe this is a big distraction whilst government officials work up their contingency plans for a far worse future pandemic about which they have yet to go public: Gerbil Flu.

Anyhoo. My blog must clearly remain anonymous, because otherwise someone will work out who I am and where I live and burgle my home to get hold of my stockpiled Tamiflu (and tinned peaches…and possibly corned beef – depends whether they sell it in Waitrose).


7 Comments so far
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Employ Polish workers. You can then make enough flu vaccine (which won’t work anyway, as no-one knows how the virus will have mutated before it goes pandemic) make enough for Britain, Poland and the discovered galaxy – and all for minimum wage minus a couple of quid.

You read it first here, folks.

Atchooo! I think I’ve got it right now.

Comment by Peter

My suggestion – if you have pet parrots get rid of em now 🙂

Comment by The Lazy Iguana

Goodness, how qualified you will be.

Comment by frangelita

Oooh, corned beef.

Comment by the plate invigilator

Tamiflu doesn’t work and the vaccine won’t be ready until after everyone is dead or better so I wouldn’t worry about getting nursing degrees and stockpiling stuff. Watch out as well because there are these birdflu police people on t’internet who will come after you. They got me before.

Comment by realdoc


You obviously don’t have enough to worry about ‘in real life’. LOL!

Comment by Bela

Hm, the choices: taking a degree in pharmacy or night classes in Italian or Bulgarian. Go for the Bulgarian. May I have some of your Tamiflu? xoxo

Comment by mireille

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