My salad dressing days

For the love of diced innards
November 1, 2006, 10:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

It was a close shave.

I was that close to becoming an accessory to a most heinous crime: the brutal and random murder of innocent vegetarians perusing aisles 2-5 in my local supermarket.

My mistake? A willingness to agree just a little too heartily with the views of total strangers in a bid to engender improved human relations. Oh, and popping back to the refridgerated aisle for a Macsween’s haggis:

Me: ‘Excuse me, do you have any haggis? It’s just that I could only see vegetarian haggis on the shelf.’

Shop assistant (SA): ‘Let me have a look… Ah yes, it looks like it’s just the vegetarian one.’

Me: ‘Oh, right. Never mind. [jocularly*] But seriously, vegetarian haggis – what’s that about?!’

SA: [frighteningly bileously] ‘I know! And it tastes disgusting!’

Me: ‘Oh, you’ve tried it then?’

SA: ‘Yes, I bought some by mistake – spat the first mouthful out.’

Me: ‘That bad? Well, I won’t be buying any of that then! Besides, I mean, vegetarian haggis. That’s just plain wrong, isn’t it?’

SA: [excitedly and in a conspiratorial whisper] ‘Yeah, it is. All this ‘vegetarian’ stuff is awful, if you ask me…’

(The way he said ‘vegetarian’ scared me. He practically spat each syllable out. Veg. It. Air. Ee. Yin.)

And just as I feared the conversation was about to take a sinister turn along the lines of: ‘I mean, vegetarians? I hate ’em! Why won’t they eat animal protein? What’s wrong with them? See her, her over there? Her with the packet of silken tofu and Linda McCartney country slices? She looks ill. What she needs is a nice quarter pounder and chips. Chips deep-fried in beef dripping. Yeah! C’mon. Let’s get some rump steak and frozen chicken livers and whack them in her basket. No! Let’s just take her – her and the guy with the Quorn sausages – into the cold store and chop ’em up and feed ’em to the battery hens at the farm down the road…’.

Just as I was picturing my face on the front page of the Edinburgh Evening News (‘University-educated, mother of two in supermarket killing frenzy’), I cut in with:

‘Well, now, I don’t mind a vegetarian lasagna or lentil bake, but I just can’t get my head around veggie haggis. But not to worry! I’ll pop back later in the week. Thanks for your help!’

And off I dashed, clattering my chicklet-laden trolley towards a place of greater safety: the ‘feminine hygiene’ section of the toiletries aisle.

* actually an adverb – I checked, so shurrup


14 Comments so far
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Huh. How rude. There’s nothing wrong with vegetarian haggis: it’s very nice. As are most vegetarians, come to that.

And if in doubt, Peckham’s can always be relied upon to have ‘proper’ haggis in stock.

(Ps… And some of us don’t eat animal protein simply because we don’t like the taste. Nothing principled about it. Eat ’em, shoot ’em, hunt ’em, wear ’em. Just don’t force me to chew on the stuff. *Gets off slightly insulted soapbox, muttering “as if I don’t have enough to contend with, what with being English in this country…”*)

Comment by Hannah

peckhams? oh good (although i managed to find my diced innards elsewhere in the meantime)

well, if you want to avoid scary, vegetarian-hating man, i say avoid doing your shopping in sainsburys at cameron toll (*shivers*)

Comment by Urban Chick

Oh no… That’s going to cause all kinds of problems… Yikes. Thanks for the heads-up, though!

Comment by Hannah

Oddly I had tuna sausages the other day and they were pretty good. Also safe for the fish-eating veggies, I imagine.

Comment by Ross Parker

Well, call me old-fashioned, but how is it possible/ethical/JUST PLAIN RIGHT to call yourself a veggie and still eat fish? I mean, what’s that about? Tuna sausages! Yuck!

Comment by motherhen

Oi ! Feminine Hygiene products? What happened to the lovely mooncup? abandoned 😦 *sniff sniff*.

Oh how lonely and abandoned it must feel…


Also… HAGGIS?!!!! not that I’ve ever tried it but…. erggh.. the thought is rather off-putting, although I’m quite ok with chewing chunks of other animal bits

Comment by SBB

The thought, and appearance, of haggis, make me feel rather icky inside. An acquired taste?

Comment by frangelita

Mmmmmmmmm haggis. Makes my mouth water just thinking about it. *slobber* But VEGGIE haggis?? Eeeeeeeeuuuuuuuwwwwwwww!! Tried it once, at St John’s hospital, on the say-so of the catering staff – “och, aye, it’s jist like the real thing”. Aye, right, if the real thing has been eating lentils for the past month. But you’re spot on about lasagne, the first time I ever tried one it was the veggie variety and man, it was delish!

Comment by Farty

that was a close call miss. you best be keeping your radical meat eating ideas to yourself you know. you could find your self being skewered by a carrot wielding vegetarian.

It could happen.

Comment by Kyahgirl

Hmmm, that is a weird concept 2 get ur head round, I must admit! Is it made out of soya or something then? And as for the sales assistant spitting out the words ‘vegetarian’ – some people are so hostile towards veggies it is unbelievable! Many times when out for a meal, when I have announced that I am vegetarian, ppl have glanced over @ me as if I’ve just announced I have some highly contagious disease!

Comment by Sarah Louise Parry

It’s all in the heads. I once cooked some chicken and mixed it with some kind of soy paste to appear to have the texture of a fake veggie chicken. My veggie flatmate found it delicious until I unveiled the truth. Sadly, I have to suffer a longer than expected PMS afterwards.

Comment by Causalien

I’m an awkward-veggie, but I don’t get the concept of veggie haggis.

No. Wrong.

(And if you eat fish, you’re NOT A VEGETARIAN!)


And SBB – I had to abandon my mooncup experiment cos it really frigging hurt!

Comment by Spinsterella

Did you notice if he was single?

Having said that, I LOVE veggie haggis – especially served in a baked potato as in the potato shop just off the Royal Mile.

Comment by GreatSheElephant

Former veggie of 9 years (who now is kicked out of the club because I started eating fish and chicken) who got used to people who HAD to make comments as soon as you told the you’re veggie. I don’t (didn’t) go on about how meat is bad, evil, wrong, so why did people yakking at me about not eating it? Asshats.

I also fail to see the good thing about haggis – veggie or otherwise. No matter how many times gran made it for us.

Comment by Heather

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