My salad dressing days

The unsaid
September 1, 2006, 9:54 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s early evening at my corner shop on a Friday night.

The man (boy?) in front of me – blonde, faintly tanned, three quarter length shorts in a garish shade of pink doubtless professing his comfortableness with traditionally feminine colours – is wielding a very large bottle of something resembling diluted urine and seven bananas.

As the shop assistant swivels this oversized receptacle to flash it over the barcoder reader, my worst fears are realised: it is a 1.5 litre bottle of Lambrini. And I can see from the till display that it’s costing him the equivalent of a couple of lottery tickets. Egads.

I’m thinking: here we have a beer drinker who has been asked out to A Girl’s House for dinner. He’s probably decided: girl’s house for dinner? Must Take Wine. Don’t know wine. Only know beer. Want to look generous. Have limited budget. Woooooo! A big bottle of wine for £2.75? T’rrific! (Oh. And need bananas for tomorrow’s hangover. Replace lost potassium. Seven??)

I want to say: NOT LAMBRINI! Jesus, no! No gal is gonna respect you for turning up with a giant sized bottle of fizzy urine! If you can’t stretch to a regular sized bottle of something from one of those countries who’ve recently joined the EU, then for God’s sake, just take a four pack of Guinness. OR EVEN STELLA!

But of course, I say nothing. I buy my two pack of Gu chocolate souffles and emergency can of Coke and get the heck home.


He says: So! Are you planning on remaining a Full [pause for dramatic effect] Time [pause for dramatic effect] Mum for the forseeable future?

I hear: So! Are you planning on remaining a (More) Fool (You) Time Mum for the forseeable future?(!)*

I want to say: Man, am I ever! I just adore the high status accorded Fool Time Mumhood by so-sigh-it-ee! And the support we get from some corners of the sisterhood for the choice we have made to stay at home with our children? Hell! That’s just a bonus. And you know how everyone jokes that our brains must be mush on account of talking about human excrement all day? That is so funny!!

What I actually say: Yes.

* optional exclamation mark was purely my (most likely correct) interpretation of his tone


9 Comments so far
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Poor, poor girl who slaved over dinner just to receive cheap wine to go with.

And everyone knows that stay-at-home moms don’t talk about excrement ALL the time. Sometimes they must also discuss urine.

Your brain is definitely not mush.

Comment by Beth

I wouldn’t be so hasty to feel pity for the girl. She may have simply served him Chinese takeaways on nice plates.

Unfortunately for me, my brain really is mush and I’m not altogether sure that I can blame it all on my being a sahm. But poo can be quite interesting, you know.

Comment by Violet

Ooh gu choccie souffles are the dog’s testicles…yum yum pigs bum (oh and yeh the youff of today and all that stuff but now you’ve got me thinking about gu’s)

ahewwybb – posh sneezing?

Comment by Jools

I have just discovered your blog! HURRAH! I just popped you on 2 my blog roll because I think your writing is brill 🙂

Lambrini… takes me back to blowing my pocket money on a big bottle of that… being spotty, greasy and fifteen… and glugging it upon a grotty park bence… then usually sadly seeing it froth about in the toilet bowl many hours later. (Apologies for vomit imagery!)

Comment by Sarah Louise Parry

Have you tried eating the hot souffles cold ie not heating them first? Delicious! It’s like a mixture of chocolate fudge and chocolate cake mixture and infinitely nicer than what happens when you microwave them.

Poor idiot with the Lambrini – which isn’t even wine by the way. It’s Perry ie the same stuff as Babycham.

Comment by GreatSheElephant

Very funny blog!!!! 🙂

Comment by oops it fell out

Ooh! gu. And also Fru.

Perhaps his girlfriend wanted to make fizzy banana pudding.

Comment by mig bardsley

UC, you’re Edinburgh-based aren’t you? Please tell me whereabouts in Edinburgh there is a corner shop purveying Gu puddings! I’ve only seen them in Sainsbury and Waitrose.

Comment by Marsha Klein

Yes, I think the girl might like the LAMBRINI. Goodness knows I drank some ghastly, ghastly “wine” in the wild days of my youth. In fact they probably made punch with it mixed in with lighter fluid- or mulled it, or, or…[pauses in horror at all the awful possibilities]

Comment by Make Tea Not War

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