My salad dressing days

For red-blooded women everywhere
September 27, 2006, 8:37 pm
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It was kinda embarrassing having to ask Mr Chick to get down on his hands and knees each day. (Well, only kinda.)

If I’m honest, I rather enjoyed the position of servitude it implied.

But then I rummaged through my wardrobe and found this.

A gift from my dear, enlightened friend Mark.

It’s funny the things that gained appeal during pregnancy…

I mean, dammit, it’s not easy to get into your work shoes with swollen feet and a large belly.


September 26, 2006, 1:33 pm
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It doesn’t exactly surprise me to learn this but the weaker sex have been at the receiving end of yet more pain and suffering.

And the people who are supposed to help are only just coming clean.

Listen up, sisters!

Despite being told that they were being provided with products which were ‘the best a man can get’, it seems our menfolk have been quietly putting up with sub-standard razors which put pressure on their skin. Sheesh.

Hey! I saw it with my own two eyes! On the TV ad! I saw a guy wince when the nasty retro-razor glided over his stubbly cheek!

And it’s only now after years, nay, decades of silent suffering that they have help in the form of a Gillette Fusion razor.

So guys, throw out your MachTurbos, your Mach3Turbos and your ArbeitMachtFreiTurbos, ’cause, rather surprisingly, the noo Gillette Fusion features blades that only fit Gillette Fusion handles. Fancy that! (I guess they need to recoup some of those research costs somehow, poor loves.)

But maybe it’s not so bad. I am reliably informed by the Gillette website that only 31% of European men have facial hair. Hoodathunkit? I guess I am only hanging out with the alpha male, testosterone-charged third, then.

Gillette: the best a man can get. (For now. Until we try harder. Well, at least until you’ve invested heavily in this product line.)

Lesson in life: procrastination pays
September 24, 2006, 1:28 pm
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Have you done your History revision? I’ll do it tomorrow.

Did you book that dental appointment? Not yet – what’s the hurry?

Isn’t mid June a little late to be planting tomato seeds? Hey! I have faith in the Scottish weather!



They didn’t ripen.



They made a wicked green tomato chutney, so give over already!

The ‘cool at school’ formula unpicked
September 17, 2006, 10:10 pm
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[Clearly, I am talking about coolness amongst the female pupils. Large bosoms were not a ‘cool’ quotient in the male pupils. Well, not mostly.]

The best things in life are free
September 14, 2006, 12:58 pm
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The Husband (TH) emerges from the bathroom, towel around his waist, scratching his head in wonder.

‘Your daughter,’ he starts.

(She is always my daughter when she’s done something naughty.)

‘…got into the bath whilst I was still in it and promptly pee-ed on me from a standing position!’

I stifle a giggle before replying: ‘You know, there are clubs in London where people pay for that sort of experience!’

TH ambled off to the bedroom, muttering to himself.

Straight hair is the new safe sex
September 14, 2006, 7:42 am
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Back in my day, the toilets in student buildings had condom machines.

Maybe some overpriced sanitary wear.

But always three-packs of novelty condoms.

And now? Not a flavoured Durex in sight.


Well, it seems that frizzy hair is the new social disease.

The good people at Beautiful Vending tell us more:

“We all know how frustrating the British weather can be, the rain, wind and even the heat can cause perfectly styled hair to ‘frizz’ and ruin the best night or day out. The saviour of bad hair days has arrived, the Straight Up machine is now available in clubs, bars and gyms, so for those occasions when sleek and sexy turns to shock and horror, we have the solution.”

Heavens alive.

So now, £1 buys you 90 seconds (yep, just 90 seconds, gals – get busy with those tongs!) of hair straightening fun.

Compared with a three-pack of strawberry-flavoured condoms, which buys you…well, y’know

I know which one I would choose*.

But my favourite testimontial came from Steve McColm, Business Development Manager at Luminar Leisure:

“The Straight Up machines have brought increased value to our female customer’s** ‘going out’ experience and the guys aren’t complaining either.”


* Motherhen/Ol’ Rooster: the hair tongs, obviously
** sic: yes, just the one customer, it seems

Yet more vicarious footwear thrills
September 10, 2006, 1:50 pm
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Warning: navy blue Mary Janes can be habit-forming. Posted by Picasa