My salad dressing days


Skills audit
July 19, 2006, 10:39 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’ve been polishing up my CV lately. Not sure why, really. But it gives Mr Chick the semblance of an impression that one day I will (might) re-enter (possibly) the world of (deep breaths) Remunerated Employment.

I know these days it’s just not good enough to state your ‘O’ Grade results and a list of all the people who saw fit to pay you to surf the internet and nip out for coffees and bitch about the boss to your colleagues.

I am led to believe that you should make a vain attempt to categorise things under headings such as ‘Skills’ and ‘Strengths’.

Ugh.

However, never one not to slavishly follow the latest fashion in all things bureaucratic (this from the girl who – unbeknownst to Motherhen and the Ol’ Rooster – filled in the 1981 Census form “because filling in forms is so much fun!”), I have decided to carry out a personal skills audit, in a bid to establish where my strengths lie.

So…

Skills I Possess:

(1) Ability to enter Zen-like trance whilst examining split ends.
(Envy Rating Factor: high amongst practitioners of transcendental meditation.)

(2) Ability to burp the alphabet.
(Envy Rating Factor: high…amongst pre-pubescent boys. Otherwise: low.)

(3) Ability to make conversation in different language despite having only read the first three pages of the Berlitz phrasebook. Example: conversation with taxi driver on honeymoon in Italy.

Me: “Sono sposata!”
Him: “Aaaaaaaaah, si si!”
PAUSE
Me: “Es nostra luna de miele!”
Him: “Si? Ooooooh!”
VERY LONG PAUSE, SOME FLICKING THROUGH PHRASEBOOK AND QUICK DISCUSSION WITH MR CHICK CONFIRMING THAT HIS CAR WAS THE SAME MAKE AS OURS BACK HOME
Me: [excitedly] “In Inglaterra, nostra vehiculo es Fiat Tipo!”
Him: [no idea but definitely came back with another question to which I simply smiled inanely]

(Envy Rating Factor: high, if considering career with UN.)

(4) Ability to predict the names of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s babies’ names seven months before their birth.
(Envy Rating Factor: high amongst the editors of ‘OK!’ and ‘Hello!’ magazine, who, rather tragically, were not interested in paying me £25k for this coveted information. Still, I wasn’t far wrong with Nectarine and Basket.)

(5) Ability to choose jobs* which mean I never have to (a) get out of bed before 8am or (b) leave the house before 9am.
(Envy Rating Factor: low amongst those with potential to offer me remunerated employment.)

Bummer.

Think I might do best to stick to my tried-and-tested CV format.

Tell me, do employers still regard the Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award as the equivalent of another ‘A’ Level these days?

(Just askin’.)

* bar my current job (the one with really lousy hours, no pay and no annual leave entitlement) as full-time slave to two people of short stature

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7 Comments so far
Leave a comment

This say’s it All!

Impeach Bush Billboard
http://www.carlsheeler.com/ images/billboard1.jpg

Comment by Anonymous

DankE miene schoene Chick von der Stat.

(I’d pretend you got a few BAGA awards – they trump the Duke of Edinburgh, I’m told….)

Comment by Robert A. Swipe

dammit, i have got some BAGA awards (levels 3 and 4)

thanks for the reminder

must add them in, as well as my scottish diver certificate…

Comment by Urban Chick

Don’t forget that you were also a prefect. You also Invigilated Plates in 1987/88, although you missed out on that glorious season in 89…

Comment by the plate invigilator

The Plate Invigilator may remember, as I do, that a certain untruth (if I can put it like that) about a certain aspect of the Duke of Edinburgh GOLD Award was conveyed to his most royal and very important highness at the ceremony, by Urbanchick and her sidekick, who shall remain nameless but WE ALL KNOW WHO SHE IS, DON’T WE!

Comment by motherhen

I am shocked. Shocked and grieved.

Comment by the plate invigilator

Ability to burp the alphabet?

Oh, and we’re already married to other people. I’ve lost my perfect woman. 😦

Comment by Stef the engineer




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