My salad dressing days

My bosoms, again (sorry)
July 2, 2006, 1:09 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s a (medically recognised) chronic affliction: the inability to buy a bra that meets my bosom-related needs.

I’ve been to the people who (we are led to believe) measure the Royal bosoms and left a three-figure sum lighter, with two otherwise unremarkable bras which brought about reduced circulation to my midriff.

I’ve done the cheap’n’cheerful grab-’em-and-go two-packs from Next.

I’ve bought bras for the dim and generous (even though I consider myself to be bright and miserly).

And, most recently, I’ve treated myself to a trip to a French lingerie shop (rather unpromisingly named Darjeeling) and allowed a pouting Claudine or Sophie to give me a Gallic once-over in the changing room as I made a brief foray into the world of padded bras.

But none of these bosom-carriers quite satisfies somehow.

My Darjeelings (one white, one black) produce an impressive cleavage, but it does rather feel as if my bosoms are being offered up as a proposition in their own right (although perhaps I am missing the point here). They’re very much out there. And my intention was only that they receive some much-needed support, as well look shapely under a T-shirt.

It also bothers me that they seem – quite literally – able to stand on their own two feet.

Strewn on the bathroom floor, they seemed to be standing to attention and when they caught the eye of Chicklet #1, caused her to exclaim to Mr Chick: “that’s Mummy’s boobies!”. (I was, of course, quick to point out that Mummy’s bosoms were very much attached to Mummy, but she remained unconvinced, and with some justification.)

And so, what now?


(a) Burn bras – invite other like-minded women (of which I’ve no doubt there are many) to ritual bonfire at sundown in local park, issuing a press release to interested media

(b) Hang loose [as a result of (a)] and live in fear of being served an ASBO

(c) Take bra-manufacturing course or seek employment with Playtex

(d) Wear existing stock of bras and moan constantly about their various and multitudinous inadequacies on blog

Well, it’s gotta be (d) then.


14 Comments so far
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Well, Germaine Greer encouraged us all to stop wearing bras because it would force men to “come to terms” with the way women’s breasts really look and would lead women away from the, er, “domination of foam and wire”.

Then again, I’m over forty and my charlies are fighting a loosing battle with gravity, so I think I’ll put up with the increasingly scaffolded undies from now on … can you still get twenty four hour girdles?

Comment by Betty

Amias of Liquid Plastic Blog has been highlighted in LIP (

Getting extra glimse on Amias

Comment by iamnasra

Crikey, are you really a G-cup? I’m a huge fan of Lejaby myself, they have really gorgeous bras (and knickers, obviously) that are a) very beautiful to behold, b) very supportive, and c) very durable. And I buy them from here, because they give you 10% discount and it’s run by a very nice lady.

Comment by patroclus

G cup?


Even at my most super-buxom I was only a DD. Hmph.

Anyhow, I don’t go anywhere other than trusty old M&S. Support, not completely ‘Doreen’, and even after you’ve washed them 4,000 times they don’t fall apart.

Comment by Spinsterella


i am not a G-cup!* where d’you get that idea from?

help, no!

* revision to earlier denial: i might have gotten close post-partum, as they say

Comment by Urban Chick

M&S all the way. Especially the Princes St store (and they have a sale at the moment…).

Comment by Hannah

The trouble with boobs is an engineering fault. They’re designed to hang vertically from a horizontal torso, not to project horizontally from a vertical one.
I think I shall have to go back to corsets…before my bra strangles me.
What happened to those two blokes who redesigned the bra in a tv series? More to the point, what happened to the bra?

Comment by mig bardsley

I am fortunately still blessed with such youthful pertness that bras are more for decoration than purpose in my life.

*sidles away before the lynching starts*

ps. Try House of Fraser, a good range of bras in there- although more expensive than M&S.

Comment by Heather

M & S tend to work quite well or Wonderbras. For me. Good luck!

Comment by frangelita

DON’t go to Debenhams. The mouth-breathing assistants have absolutely no idea what they are doing and will try to convince you that breathing is not necessary when wearing a bra. One took offence when I pointed out that as I couldn’t breathe and there were rolls of fat spilling out from the band, that this probably wasn’t the right size for me.

– Well, not everyone’s a stick insect.
– Exactly, which is why everyone, including me, is not a bloody 32D. Now go and get me a proper bra!

Comment by Kellycat

I recommend the clearance rack at TKMaxx. If you are only paying £5 a piece, binning them if they aren’t successful is slightly less painful than it might be otherwise.

Comment by GreatSheElephant

Never mind the bra, I am still trying to master the “matching-bra-and-knickers” thing. Can it really be so wrong to wear a white bra and black knickers?

Talking of which, can an old, greying bra ever truly become white again? I have heard whisperings of net-curtain cleaner being used for this purpose. Does anyone still have net curtains? Or should the manufacturers rename this product “Bra-whitener”?

Comment by Pursuing Perfection

Man. The problem with going loosey-goosey is that your back starts to hurt right away. Or at least mine does!

I don’t suppose you have Frederick’s in the UK do you? I swear their smooth satin ones are exactly perfect for underneath t-shirts and blouses.

Comment by katiedid

I have to recommend Wacoals – although I don’t know what the biggest they have is – i have a D cup on right now.

I also really like the Bonds bras (oz brand) – however, bit strange because I adore this pink one I have, but the black of exactly the same design and size fits weirdly.

Bras. BANE of my life. And I haven’t even gotten close to having to deal with what happens to then after rugrats yet.

Comment by SBB

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