My salad dressing days


A monstrous carbuncle
June 19, 2006, 9:20 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Since returning to the motherland, I have developed the most stupendous multi-headed whitehead on my chin.

I have a few theories as to the meaning of its existence:

1. These are the last of the London-induced toxins being expelled from my body, as my pores suck in clean air for the first time in a decade.

2. The God in whom I do not believe is playing some abominable trick: leave the motherland as a teenager, return in teenage form ye will. Bring forth your biggest whiteheads and blue mascara…

3. Having spent hours sitting with my legs on the dashboard of the car on the drive up north, I have unwittingly diverted the circulation which previously supplied my left leg to the lower reaches of my face, thereby stimulating an over-production of luminous pus.

And I just know that no amount of applying Vrai Bordeaux lipstick is diverting attention from the monstrous carbuncle. If anything I suspect it is simply drawing people’s eyes to the site (‘ooh, UC’s wearing lipstick! Lordy! and check out that SPOT’).

Of course I’ve squeezed it. But not before time. Not before it had amassed quantities of fluids which would keep hosepipes in the more populated parts of Hampshire filled for the remainder of the summer.

But it’s one of those spots which simply regroups within minutes of attack, refilling with fresh pus and blood which slowly rise to the encrusted surface.

This is not the face I want to wear as I discover on my first trip to the doctor’s surgery that my GP is an old schoolmate. (So, I moved away sixteen years ago, and it turns out that since then people I know have grown up and gotten sensible jobs and become my family doctor. Hoodathunkit?)

‘kay. Gotta go squeeze some more…

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10 Comments so far
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what I hated about student doctors was that they would tell you not to drink smoke or eat chips while doing exactly that. Do you have the same thing with your old school friends?

Comment by Jane

Whenever I have a whitehead that takes up permanent residence, Partner gives me the not-so-helpful advice of pricking it with a pin.

I have yet to see how that would ever, ever help.

Hurrah that you’re around!

Comment by Whinger

put a plaster over it overnight – that tends to draw everything out. Germolene ointment is very good too.

Comment by GreatSheElephant

oh and by the way, in the 90s at least, Edinburgh was one of the most polluted places in the UK thanks to 2 factors – brewery particulates and traffic fumes collecting at the point at which the Mound meets Princes St. So I’m not sure your toxins theory washes, especially given the leafy area in which you used to live. That was the one thing I didn’t like about the place – it gave me appalling respiratory problems which cleared up miraculously when I moved down south and started inhaling London Underground air

Comment by GreatSheElephant

I’m hoping that someone else was driving if you had your feet on the dashboard all that time – maybe a chicklet? How are they settling in?

Comment by frangelita

Oh lovely! A post from Uc at last 🙂 Been missing you.

There’s a thing called magnesium sulphate which draws stuff out of things. (magic on wicklows). It may or may not be safe, since it’s so alarmingly effective but it says on the pot *a drawing ointment for boils*.

Comment by mig bardsley

That’s very interesting. I suspect a change of environment upsets the metabolism. It’s fairly common for people who move to Cape Town to come out in boils first off. And we have one of the healthiest environments in the country.

Comment by DavetheF

Mario Badescu drying lotion is what you need. Available from HQ Hair.com. It pushes over whiteheads in the playground and steals all their dinner money.

Comment by Pashmina

That wasn’t meant to read like an HQ Hair ad, by the way. I just meant to imply that the Mario Badescu stuff can be hard to track down and I’ve *no* idea where you’d buy it in Edinburgh.

I’ll shut up now.

Comment by Pashmina

Of course you can’t squeeze a whitehead until it’s gotten all nice and fluid-filled. It’s such an anticlimax when you squeeze a pimple and it doesn’t pop.

Comment by Violet




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