My salad dressing days

A godly stench
February 8, 2006, 1:41 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

There’s a stench seeping out of the grouting
In the bath in the ensuite upstairs.
I can’t figure out where it comes from
And it catches me quite unawares.

It can’t be the elements creeping in
‘Cause we live in a terraced house.
P’rhaps it’s the farts of the woman next door
Or the corpse of a long deceased mouse.

All I know is it troubles my nose
As I’m shaving my ‘pits in the bath,
Worrying about my place in the world
And whether God’s having a laugh.

[Can’t wait ’til I’m old enough to wear a bra in the bath…]


31 Comments so far
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Ah, whether God is having a laugh… The eternal question in my life, as all factors in the aforementioned seem to point to the fact that, in fact, yes. He is.

Can’t help with the smell, though. Sorry

Comment by Hannah

Nasty. Are you sure it’s not duck and chicklets secreting things in naughty places? Oh, and is that you peering over the top of the bath?

Comment by frangelita

The last line of the second stanza doesn’t scan. Amending it to read “long-dead mouse” would do the trick.

Just a small point, but vital to our aesthetic pleasure, you know.

Comment by Dave F

i disagree, dave. i think the cadence is just fine.

have you checked for plumbers’ sandwiches behind the bath panel?

Comment by surly girl

ROFL!!! I don’t know if God is having a laugh, but I know I am!!! Thanks, Hon. 🙂

Comment by Kate

Now I’ve seen everything! Bras in the bath. That’s just weird.

Oh, and sorry about the stench…these things happen in bathrooms you know.

Can’t wait til you start waxing on about the cow pies!

Comment by Kyahgirl

Poor unsuspecting woman next door who just thinks she’s gassing her own family.

Comment by Whinger

I can’t wait til I’m old enough to have a bath in a bra, with fur instead of bubbles and a huge strap of liquorice wrapped around me.

Comment by Martha

That bra in the bath is a good look. xoxo oh, and I’m sorry about the stench. xoxo and thank you for the poetry. xoxo

Comment by mireille

I can’t believe Urban Chick has under-arm hair growth. Another illusion shattered. Sob.


Comment by Anonymous

I agree with Surly, the mouse is better deceased.
You don’t have gas pipes under the bathroom I hope?
I am old enough to wear a bra in the bath…I shall try it tomorrow.

Comment by mig bardsley

At least you can have a bath.

Last week my male flatmates BRAINDEAD fucking girlfriend washed her unbelievable skanky DOG in MY bath.

(I will probably be moaning about this for the rest of my life…)

Comment by Spinsterella

p’raps it’s rotting wood?

It looks to me like she’s wearing a swimsuit, not a bra. It’s still weird though

Comment by Violet

As Frangelita has spilled the beans on the fact that you’re now living with Duck, can I borrow Mr Chick for a fortnight?

Kind of like a fowl exchange programme…

Comment by Kellycat

OK, I’m afraid I have to insist that the cadence doesn’t work because “deceased mouse” flounders in a sea of hisses. If you want your extra syllable, “long-decayed mouse” would carry it. Try reading it out loud, willya?

PS: I am a widely published poet who has won critical acclaim, so there.

Comment by Dave F

Sorry to disagree, Dave (critically acclaimed poet…) but I prefer Urban Chick’s original line.

Comment by Kate

it works well for me, as i have a lisp (“long detheethed mouth”)

i would therefore wholeheartedly object to any alteration (but i will nonetheless forward the link to my friend mr motion to see what he thinks)

J Ross
(a critically acclaimed talkshow host)

Comment by J Ross

dave f – if you want the credit, you’re going to have to out yourself….

Comment by surly girl

ok, just because it’s christmas* and just because i am a soft touch and don’t like to see anyone else’s aesthetic sensibilities offended on my blog, i’ve posted an amended version just for you, dave

here ya go…

* [in 10 months and 15 days]

Comment by Urban Chick

“There was a young lady from Crewe…”

You can probably guess the rest, but trust me, it scans impeccably.

Comment by the plate invigilator

I reckon she’s wearing a negligee.

Is it legal to wear one of those once your boobs have carpet burns?

Comment by funny thing

Dave F- You’re right about the sea of hisses, and nicely put.

PS: I’m a wide pub poet who has one chocolate eclair, so there.

Now that flounders in a sea or airs.

Comment by Tickersoid

my my UC, are fists about to start flying over your wee cadence issue?

And what’s this about a fowl exchange with kellycat?

Comment by Kyahgirl

Love the poem, and the bra-wearing bathing woman really pulls it all together!

Comment by Meegan

I always wear my undies in the tub. You never know when you will be photographed!

Comment by Calliope

As for outing myself, modesty forbids, and in any case you would never have heard of me: I’m a South African poet. Disparage away.
I’m retiring gracefully from the fray, because I enjoyed the verses and I feel like a rhyming troll.

Comment by Dave F

(The poem. Not the smell.)

Comment by Stef the engineer

J Ross- Imposta! I’m the weal Wossy.
I don’t lisp, I just can’t pronounce ‘r’s.

Your turn of phwase sounds like me though.

Comment by Tickersoid

Hmm. Having another go at posting this as the previus attempt has been eaten.

I enjoyed the verses, so am retiring from the fray, feeling rather like a dilatory troll.

Comment by Dave F


and dave f – i never saw you as a troll, dilatory or otherwise

i’m secretly thrilled and proud to have had a minor to do on my blog about CADENCES!!


Comment by Urban Chick

Far to late to join the party but I think “rotting dead mouse” would improve the line. This would match the scansion and rhythmic balance of the nine syllables and four beats of the final line of the first verse. I’m an expert, I’ve read Stephen Fry’s An Ode Less Travelled so I must be. Well I read some of it anyway.

Comment by Mike

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