My salad dressing days

The enemy of beauty
December 5, 2005, 8:55 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

[This song is written and sung by Fascinating Aida, a trio of women whose live performances have always caused me to howl with laughter. I’m not sure how well it can be appreciated without being heard, or performed live, for that matter. So here goes. Of course, you could always buy the CD or catch them on their next tour…]

We’re lovely, we’re perfect, we’re youthful;
But asked to name our ages, you would never guess;
We are each ninety three
And we’re sure you’ll agree
Father Time must have lost our address;
Most people think that we’re models;
Policemen daily ask us why we’re not at school;
That’s cause our faces are a vision of perfection;
No troughs or wrinkles, oh, we’re open to inspection;
We’re got the secret of a fabulous complexion,
So to fight decay
And keep old age at bay,
You must follow this golden rule;

Mobility’s the enemy of beauty;
Our skin is stapled to our skulls with metal clips;
And our legs look much improved
Since our kneecaps were removed
And recycled in our artificial hips.

Oh, eating can be rather tricky;
One may not masticate with a frozen jaw;
So we’re quite cock-a-hoop
At a nice bowl of soup
For we haven’t eaten solids since the War;
All day, we’re busy with procedures;
We’re injected in the bottom with fermented kelp;
Later, a special cryogenic siesta, then
We sandblast our colons to fill us full of zest again;
Finally we dress,
But then it’s time to get undressed again;
What a busy day!
We gently drift away;
With this simple mantra of self-help;

Mobility’s the enemy of beauty;
In pursuit of endless youth, we will never flag;
Our surgeon uses slivers
Left over from Joan Rivers
To plump up all those horrid bits that sag.

Mobility’s the enemy of beauty;
Our vaginas have been tightened, so they grip like hell;
And for extra satisfaction
We can offer the attraction
Of a hymen up our anuses as well.

Mobility’s the enemy of beauty;
Of Lesley Ash’s lips we’re enormous fans;
To our lines it’s ‘sayonara’
Our idol’s Kate O’Mara;
But never never never
(You must be very clever)
No, never ever EVER show your hands.


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

ug – too many fantastic lines to say isn’t THAT a fantastic line. i’ve never seen them live – expect now i must.

Comment by spindleshanks

I had no idea they were still performing. I saw the original members live in the mid-80s: they were very funny.

Comment by Bela

Brilliant. LOL

Comment by mig bardsley

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