My salad dressing days

Some of my best friends are chromophobes
November 24, 2005, 1:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

And so it came to pass that I made my inaugural visit to my local TK Maxx. And yes, that would be the branch where star-crossed cyber-lovers met to carry out their joint suicide pact in the car park. How quaint.

‘You need to set aside a couple of hours – y’know, for the rifling – you need to rifle,’ advised my sis wisely.

Ooh. Rifling. Sounds fun. I have never (knowingly) rifled before.

I set out with my habitual shopping mantra: This Time I Will Not Gravitate To Black. This Time I Will Not Gravitate To Black.

And when I get deeper into the chanting, I say to myself: Must pepper wardrobe with Colour! Patterns! Interesting Necklines! After all, I know it is only a matter of time before a friend refers me to Trinny and Susannah. Flash-forward to T&S screaming in horror when they open my wardrobe (‘Black is NOT A COLOUR! Suze: get the pinking scissors. Out out out!). This is after they’ve felt me up in the 360 degree mirror room, of course.

One quick swoosh later and the automatic doors have thrown me straight into the handbag section. I briefly consider clasping my hands together and gazing heavenwards to express my gratitude to the God I am now willing to imagine might actually exist.

The first half hour, therefore, is spent fondling and sniffing handbags galore. But there are too many, too many that I want. Need. Neeeeeeeeeeeed. I am, most uncharacteristically, overcome with the most unseemly bout of indecision.

And so I move away (vowing to return later) towards the kids’ section. An hour later and my trolley is chock full of toys and clothes for the chicklets.

Oh gawd, I have left so precious little time for The Rifling. My sis said: ‘at least two hours’. Glancing at my watch, I realise I have but 17 minutes. I am panicking now…

But you know, it’s not that hard to pick out all the black items on a mile-long rack. I quickly talk myself round: this black top, well, it will go so well with EVERYTHING, ANYTHING (of course what I mean is: it will go so well with MORE BLACK). As will those trousers…and that coat. Who wants a cream coat, forgodssakes? Think of the drycleaning bills! Gosh, I am so practical. Motherhen would be proud. After all, it was from her that I inherited the the GTB (Gravitate To Black) gene mutation.

I am all smiles at the till. I trill a merry tune, much to the shop assistant’s despair. ‘Beautiful day, isn’t it?’ I chirp. He rolls his eyes.

But as I am leaving, I feel a little giddy. I put my hand to my forehead: I think I may have a slight fever. I lean against the car door for a few minutes to gather myself together. I clutch at my mobile phone and wonder whether it’s too late to get an emergency appointment with the doctor.

Then I realise what it is: I left the store without buying a handbag. So I rush back in to buy the one I’d lingered over longest (23 minutes). But hey! It’s a Christmas present (probably) for my sister (maybe). Gimme a break, guys!


10 Comments so far
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I have an entire wardrobe of chocolate brown and colours that co-ordinate with chocolate brown.

Such as a cream winter coat, which went to the dry-cleaners no less than 3 times last winter. Won’t make that bloody mistake again.

But oooh isn’t TK Maxx good for handbags. Haven’t been in ages, so must go this weekend for a handbag rifle. (Which is probably what women in Texas carry for their own safety).

Comment by Kellycat

i hate tk maxx. hate it hate it hate it.

that is all.

Comment by surly girl

Now then, my little chickadee, I don’t think I like the idea of one of my chicklets, albeit all growed-up, frequenting an outlet where a suicide has happened in the car park. Was that before or after they’d been in riffling through the racks?

Comment by motherhen

UC, your shopping trip sounds like one of mine, except that it would be books and perfume that I spend too much time on and I always forget the clothing rack altogether. Never fails though, I come home with piles of things for the gourdlets (new word-hasn’t made it to the dictionary yet).


Comment by Kyahgirl

UC, you know how much I adore TK Maxx: all my shoes, all my handbags, most of my sweaters (cashmere, mmmm…), my scarves (cashmere, mmmm…) come from there.
I ♥ it.

Comment by Bela

I have been meaning to ‘do’ the TKMaxx ‘thing’ for quite a while.

Now I find they sell handbags.

Oh dear. No-one really wanted Christmas presents this year, did they?

Comment by Pashmina

Ahh, TJ Maxx (it’s TJ over here). Love it! I also have the GTB gene, although my new winter coat is pink and the other day a woman stopped me on the street and said it was nice to see a coat of that color instead of the usual black. I was very proud of myself.

Comment by Meegan

Trouble with TKMaxxxxxx is all the things I gravitate towards are sizzzzze under-large. the other thing is all those xxxxxs make me dizzzzy. and then I go and buy something smaller than a 16 dreaming I can stretch it in the wash. that makes me feel dizzzy too.

Comment by mig bardsley

I too, have too much black in my wardrobe. But not only is it slimming, but it masks breastmilk stains so well.

Comment by Violet

cool, I could use a new handbag, snigger

Comment by suburban bantam

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