My salad dressing days

Waiter, waiter, there’s bile in my soup!
November 22, 2005, 1:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

A few handy tips for anyone serving me in a restaurant:

1. DO NOT automatically offer the wine list to my male companion(s). Not unless you want me to ostentatiously snatch it out of their hands, tutting loudly, the minute you walk away from the table. And when you bring the wine, DO NOT assume that my male companion ought to taste it. Not unless you want me to grab the glass and pour its contents over your head after I’ve deposited copious amounts of bile-lined saliva in it.

2. DO NOT give me the menu with no prices. Rest assured that I am not in any way at risk of fainting on discovering the price of ‘homard a la maison’. Tell me this: what would you do if faced with a party wholly consisting of women? Would we all end up with price-less menus? Come to think of it, perhaps this might work in our favour when the bill arrives and we claim innocently that we thought the food was free citing Article 75, Subsection C of the Idiocy in Restaurants Act.

3. When I have ordered two beers and two soft drinks for a party consisting of two men and two women, DO NOT automatically plonk the beer in the front of the men and the soft drinks in front of the women. Is it so much to ask that you inquire as to who ordered what? Apparently. Oh, and when a man and a woman between them have ordered one Diet Coke and one full-fat Coke, DO NOT assume it is the woman who wants the aspartame-loaded version.

4. When suggesting some digestifs, DO NOT trot out a long list of malt whiskys for my male companions but then turn to me and suggest ‘a Baileys or Amaretto for Madam?’. Else you might provoke me into replying ‘no thanks…sickly sweet alcoholic beverages will generally induce a bout of projectile vomiting onto your crisp, white, linen tablecloth, but thanks for asking – now bring me a Glenmorangie, you silly man’.

5. When presenting the bill, DO NOT automatically pass it to my male companion. Consider the controversial possibility that these days Some Women Have Money Of Their Own. If you do this, I will make a point of scoffing all the after-dinner mints in one go, before thrusting my visa card up your right nostril when you return.

Not hard, is it?


23 Comments so far
Leave a comment

so you enjoyed Mr Chick’s birthday dinner then?

Comment by GreatSheElephant

Totally agree on 5. That really f**ks me off, and they do it every time.

Comment by patroclus

Last night I had dinner with friends, it being his birthday. Me and Nick, UC and Mr Chick: the conversation was witty and thoughtful, in turns; the food was interesting and tasty, by courses; the mood gentle and warm, as friends.

Now, the waiter was a little faux in his sentiments as ‘e sead, bon apetit. Mais, je n’avais aucune idée que UC tempêtrais.

As Kant might have said, appearance conceals unknown realities.

Comment by Mark

PS should that be ‘tempêtrait’?

Comment by Mark

I get totally pissed off with number 5 as well, whatever the sex of my dining companion – which is why you’ll usually find me in the toilet when the bill approaches.

Comment by Wyndham

You don’t get that at Nando’s.

Again, is everyone that blogs posher than me?

Comment by Kellycat

Since we’re on the subject, why don’t we add shaking out your napkin and putting it on your lap for you AS IF YOU’RE EITHER AN IMBECILE OR SO BADLY BROUGHT UP YOU MIGHT OTHERWISE BLOW YOUR NOSE ON IT.

Comment by baglady

got yer knickers in a twist have you?


Comment by Kyahgirl

A priceless menu? I’ve never seen such a thing…how quaint and demeaning.

I’m with Kellycat. Stick to the low-priced restaurants as they’re too eager for a better tip so do not offend anyone at the table.

Comment by Whinger

Wow, what an experience! I generally avoid French restaurants. Yes, even when I’m in France. A waiter in Paris almost made me cry once.

Comment by Meegan

Yikes. Where did you go – McSexist?!

Comment by Hannah

Whoa, lighten up girlfriend!!! Apparently you have never been a server of food to the ungracious public. The things you are bitching about, are more than likely, the rules of the establishment. You are so typical to blame the waiter. I think every single person that graduates from high school, it should be a requirment, work as a server, somewhere!!!!! Then, you won’t be so quick to bitch about it. This just burns me. Go over to and you will see how frustrating it can be to wait on people like you. And you didn’t have anything nice to say about your husbands birthday. Come on girl, it ain’t cancer!!!!

Comment by Anonymous

I’m gobsmacked that such places still exist all they had to do was to bring out smaller potions as us “ladies” have smaller more delicate appetites and you’ve got almost the full whammy of sexism.

Comment by Jane

I agree with you too, there must be bad sexist waiter schools all over the place to train these morons

Comment by Aginoth

actually, ‘anonymous’, i have served the ungracious public in a variety of forms (shops, hotels and a posh restaurant, as it happens) and i never felt the need to toe the sexist line

but i agree, the management of these establishments (and there are a lot of them) need to get with the times and lose the sexist nonsense ’cause the (very substantial) ‘girl pound’ will just vote with its feet and dine elsewhere

anyhoo, be sure and add teaspoon of sodium chloride when reading my blog…tastes better that way


Comment by Urban Chick

Hope you sent the management a really nice letter explaining why you won’t be going there again! Phrased as delicately as only you know how.
Me I always laugh when they offer him the wine list as he always directs it back to me (being the greedy one with pretensions)

Comment by mig bardsley

Dear Anonymous,

Get a freaking life. And YOU are “so typical” to leave an anonymous obnoxious comment.


Comment by Meegan

How true! It’s not only waiters who do it. When I work as a producer and bring a male production assistant with me, everyone invariabely assumes he’s the producer. Next time a waiter does it to you, simply stare at his crotch, shake your head and smirk. It’s a shallow victory, but a victory nonetheless…

Comment by Yidchick

I used to have a male friend who didn’t drink, so we’d go out for coffee. He’d order a “soya-decaff-latte”.

As if that wasn’t embarassing enough, it always got plonked in fromt of me.

BTW when I was a waitress for many years, the bill always went exactly in the middle of the table. Much to my independent-chick despair, the man usually paid.

Comment by Spinsterella

On a trip to Victoria, BC, my husband and I had the pleasure of an experience like that. The waiter seated us, and moments later reappeared to produce ONE menu which he handed to my husband. God bless my husband, who can gather his wits much faster than I, as he responded to the waiter with “I didn’t realize that Canadian women were all illiterate.” Heh. (Just an FYI, it was ONLY this particular establishement we had an incident like this happen, the rest of our Canadian dining on that trip were just fine.)

Comment by katiedid

darn. I wanted to make the twisted knickers comment. xoxo

Comment by mireille

ooh! Infuriating. I once had a waiter lean over and suggest a scoop of vanilla ice cream to me, after he had read the dessert selections. Sexist and age-ist, too! Ha…I do look young but I’m quite sure no one would mistake me for a preteen. Scary.

Comment by the addict

I just found this site and am so relieved to find out that other women have had the same kinds of experiences. My husband and I once walked out of an appliance store because the sales guy talked to my husband at length about the energy-saving features of a refrigerator we were looking at, then turned to me and said, “And it’s easy to clean!”

Well, last night we ate at a restaurant we enjoy, although I have a particular dislike for one of the waiters. My dislike stems from a visit a couple of years ago, when, at the end of the meal, the waiter handed the check to my husband, who handed it to me, since I’m the one who usually carries the money and pays the bill. The waiter, who had recently arrived from another country, said, “No, no! In my country, the woman never pays – the man pays!” – AND SNATCHED THE CHECK OUT OF MY HAND and gave it to my husband, who gave it back to me.

Well, I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt. After all, he was newly arrived and probably had not adjusted to our culture. So we went back last night. This time the same waiter gave the check directly to my husband, who once again passed it to me, at which the the waiter went, “tsk-tsk” and stood back a little while I counted out the money. When I handed the money to him, he looked at my husband and said, “Do you need any change — SIR?”

What a cretin!

Comment by Anonymous

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