My salad dressing days


Today I am concerning myself with
November 16, 2005, 1:13 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

1. How to avoid eating the remaining contents of a 12-pack of M&S mini Scotch eggs in my fridge.

2. The anti-unionisation message in ‘The Elves and the Shoemaker’.

3. Why it is I haven’t done any Proper Writing on my blog for some time. Where my university professor used to say of Chinese history that ‘it was all downhill after the Song dynasty’, I am beginning to feel that it’s been all downhill since ‘Darwinian Toast’.

4. And whether random musings (such as these) are really going to cut the mustard on a sustained basis.

4. The fact that friends are beginning to think I am on some bizarre quest to ‘glam up’ more often, when really it’s just that I haven’t washed my favourite pair of jeans.

5. How absolutely splendid it is that the chicklets will respond to a single word command of ‘YOGA!’ by immediately lying on their backs and raising both feet in the air.

6. Whether we need to embrace the idea of building more nuclear power stations as a short-term solution to climate change.

7. And whether this viewpoint is compatible with my membership of Friends of the Earth.

8. Why policemen are looking younger these days.

9. And how pizzas at Pizza Express seem to have got bigger again (after a brief period of shrinkage).

10. Why it is I feel compelled to think up lists that run to ten points (and whether I am suffering from a mild form of OCD.)

And a few minutes after uploading…

11. How it is I have seemingly (and quite unwittingly) created a twelve-point list, despite all appearances to the contrary.

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21 Comments so far
Leave a comment

You had 11 – you had two #4s.

Comment by Esther

noooooooooooooooooooooo!

it must be ten, it must be ten

Comment by Urban Chick

If you’ve visited my blog recently you’ll see I’ve been plumbing the depths of banality for some time (yesterday’s post was a new low). Whereas, you UC, manage to keep me entertained every time.

I always get paranoid with lists, because I always feel I have to end on a good one, but in reality I’m struggling by item three.

Comment by Kellycat

as alanis ‘she with no understanding of the concept of irony’ morrissette would say:

it’s like rain on your wedding day

Comment by Urban Chick

you know, i sometimes think mustard-cutting is as overrated as it is pointless. you carry on, regardless of the mustard-cutting fraternity. let them carp. there’s enough cut mustard in the blogosphere as it is.

Comment by sbs

yeah – we can’t all be banging on about boring old politics and making poverty history. you carry on as you are, uc. as long as you don’t get all “today i went to the shops”.

hee hee….

Comment by surly girl

Don’t change a thing UC. Honestly. I don’t mind visiting the odd stuffy old educational blog but the real appeal is in blogs like yours, where real people just let themselves be seen (and admired from afar).
I enjoy your random musings.
How do you think I feel? My post of a picture of my clean dog has gotten more comments than any other post. I’m the queen of banal!
Banal bloggers Unite!!

xoxo

Comment by Kyahgirl

p.s. Policemen are looking younger because, well, they are younger. And, unfortunately, the corollary is that we, are older!
Blurgh.

I noticed this when I took my daughter to the Medi-center and the doctor there looked like he was about 18. Very disconcerting!

Comment by Kyahgirl

p.p.s.

off topic-did you know our mutual blogging aquaintance from ‘we move to canada’ is having a tough time right now? she might appreciate a visit.

Comment by Kyahgirl

Wow, deep thoughts, UC! You are an inspiration to all of us. I LOVE the image of the chicklets doing yoga.

Comment by Meegan

You always make me laugh!

Comment by United We Lay

Banal Bloggers United… Now there’s a group I’d join…

Comment by Hannah

1. I don’t think this one is worth concern. Just eat it already.

2. Not to mention Santa’s poor elves. Does Santa have industrious elves there?

3. I enjoy your writing daily. Darwinian Toast was a classic, though.

5. Darling chicklets.

6. Eh.

9. I visited a Pizza Express while there. It was not good.

Comment by Whinger

5. LOL still grinning.
I always enjoy your blog…mustard and all.

Comment by mig bardsley

UC – Elves and The Shoemaker is the tip of the iceberg. luckily there are plenty of other subversive kiddy tales to round out the politics.

Comment by Ova Girl

UC, it’s not the destination, it’s the path … ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Did your package come yet? They said 5-7 days. poor carrier pigeons. xoxo

Comment by mireille

No need to concern yourself with the following any more; it’s all sorted.

1. How to avoid eating Scotch Eggs.
“Scotch”; the motivation is in the name.

2. Easily explained when you realise that Brothers Grimm Ltd. is a registered subsidiary of Mother Goose Global Enterprise Corp., with registered offices in the Dutch Antilles.

3. Some would say it’s been all downhill, evolutionary speaking, since we gave up reproduction by subdivision and decided to get other people (entities?) involved.

4. Mmmm! Random musings and mustard on toast. My favourite!

4. The naturally glamorous don’t need clean clothes. Paparazzi can easily stalk Kate Moss due to the miasma of stale sweat she exudes, which stretches downwind for a couple of miles. Models actually wear new clothes on top of their old ones. Weight loss is essential, as they have to compensate for the extra weight in clothing, at least until the lower layers compost and rot away. When they cram all the glamorous into one space for London Fashion Week there are about five snappers a day who have to be carted out, overcome by the fumes. At least, that’s my excuse for the sports kit. *Sniff*! Still standing, good for another session. (And the naturally glam can’t count.)

5. I think it should be made compulsory to train all children to do this. Of course, for those who’ve missed the window of early childhood and are now, say, fourteen and over, this may involved some electro-shock therapy. Oh well. You can’t make an omelette(*) as they say.

6. Of course we do.

7. Of course it is. I mean, do they REALLY expect their members not to use cars, either? It’s like the VEGETARIANS really not eating meat, even when no-one’s looking.
(WHAT? No, you’re kidding…)

8. Hendon now has a compulsory course in stage make-up. Actually they’re all the same relative age as you are. The choice was teach new recruits basics in law and jurisprudence, or how to apply a bit of slap. No contest really.(**)

9. They vary in size according to world energy costs, compared to the energy consumption and overhead cost needed to bake them, as well as a complex weighted formula involving daily tomato futures and mozerella margins. Every Pizza Express branch has a supercomputer working out the figures, and connected to the dough dispenser. Some say that if the Pizza Express computers ever hook up and develop self-awareness, we will be in deep trouble. Others say this has already happened.

10. Everyone has a mild form of OCD; this is perfectly normal. Just as everyone has to wash their hands before, after and during visits to the toilet. And hop to and from the stall and the door. And stack clean clothes in the order their colour appears in the rainbow. Perfectly normal. No need to be embarrassed about it. We all do it.
I hope.

11. Because we’re lucky, lucky people, and you’re so generous?

(*) No I can’t, really. I can make a rather fetching sort of “egg frisbee.”
(**) Reminds me of the time a copper looking about 18 stopped me for kerb crawling in the red-light district in Sheffield, as I drove round looking for the corner wifey was on(+), while talking to her on the hands free telephone. “Oh, there’s a couple of girls here; I’ll stop and ask them for directions. Blimey, those are short skirts and high heels; they look a right couple of tarts… Oh.”
Still, the nice PC showed me the way, once he’d stopped laughing long enough to breathe.
(+) Not, I hasten to add, in a business sense.

Comment by Stef the engineer

As much as I worship all things British, I don’t think you could pay me enough to eat a Scotch egg. And I only know what they are from The Office :).

Comment by Jenny G

Glad you had that extra #4, its been happening to me too 🙂

Comment by Justine

Scotch eggs were, apparently, the one thing my mother craved while pregnant with me.

Having not eaten meat in 18 years, my memory of them is a bit spotty, but what meat eater wouldn’t want deep fried sausage-covered egg?

Comment by cjblue

I loved The Elves and the Shoemaker.

My 2nd favourite, after The Three Billy Goats Gruff

No, NOT Cinderella, for fuck’s sake!

Comment by Spinsterella




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