My salad dressing days

Lob your homosexuality into the ocean, will ya?
November 2, 2005, 12:50 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Below is the text of a letter sent to a gay friend of mine:

Dear [UC’s friend]

We here at the Church want you to know that we are praying for you. We are praying for your release from homosexuality. We pray that you take a female wife and that you stop campaigning for homosexuals. It is immoral, unfair and not loved by God at all.

Please, [UC’s friend], change your ways. It is never too late. Please pray for the spirit of homosexuality to leave your body and throw itself into the sea – like the evil spirits did that were cast out of our Lord.

Please do this – In Jesus’ name. Jesus loves you so much!!

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (NIV): “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” [I know, the lack of commas bothers me too.]

God bless you – our brother in Christ. Amen.


My friend is struggling with a reply, so I said I’d help him out:

Dear Nice Kind People at the Church

Thank you for your concern. There’s just a couple of things I want to check:

OK, the “female wife” thing: this would be my “female wife” as opposed to all my male wives? Should I also give up my male wives? Please advise.

When you say you’d like it if the spirit of homosexuality was to leave my body and “throw itself into the sea”, will the River Thames do? It’s just that I don’t think I can get a day off work right now to travel down to Margate. And hey, the Thames is a tidal river, right?

Erm, what no Leviticus 18:22? Come on! Hit me with your best shot!

Best wishes etc.

P.S. If I come across one of your sons in a south London sauna again, any top tips for where you’d like me to chuck their homosexuality?

Update: I’ve just received another email from my friend. Boy, is he one confused little cookie! (Well, that figures.) He says: “I’m still struggling with why it is unfair – because I’m having such fun and they spend their sad days praying for me? Also I have this image of gay dolphins…the spirit will need to go somewhere.” Can anyone help him?


26 Comments so far
Leave a comment

let he who is without sin cast the first stone

urgh – don’t these people have anything better to do? For more about Christians getting their rocks off on making people miserable, click here:

Comment by GreatSheElephant

nooooooooo waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!


Comment by Urban Chick

way, dude

a couple of people on mua have actually been to one. The Church of Jesus Christ, Sadist – coming to your parish soon.

Comment by GreatSheElephant

I always think that this talk of the ‘spirit of homosexuality’, needing exorcisms, people praying for you, etc makes gayness much more exciting than it is. There is one Anglican bishop who has said in print that he thinks that having gay sex is to allow a demon to enter you. I wanna say, gay sex is good but not that good. After all, until I met my beloved, it was mostly about hanging around in bars until the small hours of the morning wishing I could take my contact lenses out. (Incidentally, that bishop also said, in print, that driving black cars or wearing black clothes is dodgy – the black bit, see. So don’t think that you’re free from Satan just because you’re straight.)

Comment by Mark

Are they also mailing the idolaters, adulterers, thieves, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers and the swindlers? If they’re not, is that not discrimination?

I quite like the idea of gay dolphins. As marine mammals go, they are quite camp aren’t they?

Comment by Kellycat

You may want to rephrase that bit about coming over one of their sons in a sauna. It’s a bit too much information.

Comment by Wyndham

Did a church seriously send that letter? Is that your friend’s own church, or did they look him up on their “sinner” database? I’d have lots of fun with that if a church sent that to one of my friends!

Comment by Jenny G

Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that its come to this for your friend. So glad he has you to help him with his response. I’d be stuck after writing ‘go f*ck yourselves’.

With all the things in the world that require our energy and care, why do these ‘devout’ people insist on wasting their time on stuff like this?

Comment by Kyahgirl

oh dear – if they’re doing what kellycat says i’m going to be getting a whole lot of letters….i stole someone’s husband, i’m often rather drunk, i bitch about people a lot and i didn’t tell Small Person’s party venue when they forgot to invoice me. oh, and i stole mascara from woolworths when i was thirteen.

*rushes home to nail letterbox shut*

Comment by surly girl

I suggest your friend goes to Romania for some insipration:-

Pilgrims flock to see Jesus on wardrobe

I’m sure the perspective he gains, will help him cast aside his gayness.


Comment by Anonymous

From Mark – (Incidentally, that bishop also said, in print, that driving black cars or wearing black clothes is dodgy)

Oh, shit. And now I have to be dodgy too?????

Comment by Anonymous

‘the evil spirits did that were cast out of our Lord’.

Speaking professionally here I would advise them that they are worshipping the wrong Lord (actually, that’s fairly obvious given the rest of their letter).

The Bible tells us that Jesus cast out spirits (none of which were gay, as far as we are told), not that he had any cast out of him.

Can they quote chapter and verse?

Oh, and Surly. No good nailing up the letter box – you can’t hide from the servants of the Lord. I know your e-mail address.

Comment by Who is this Dave?

I love the update! I was thinking about the casting-into-the-sea phrase, too, and how that could be used to ban going to the shore and sunbathing, and all the FILTH, as LBOS would say:)
–I mean, you never know what you’re swimming in, lol.

Some of these Christians at that church must lead strange lives.

Comment by actonbell

How about “Go to hell, you small minded, sanctimonious, bigotted stupid people”

Too lacking in subtlety??

Comment by Make Tea Not War

Bloody religion,
Religion should be illegal

Comment by Aginoth

So the spirit of homosexuality is supposed to be cast into the sea? Leaving aside the how of casting the spirit of anything into a big body of water, what happens when the spirit of homosexuality is all spread out over the sea? Will everyone who sails and swims on the sea become infused with gay spirit fabulousness? Gives whole new meaning to the whole gay sailor boy stereotype, too.

Comment by Diana

Is this letter writer living in the UK? I didn’t think these idiots existed outside of the States and the Canadian Province of Alberta.
People of the rest of the world save yourselves!!
At least lay out traps or something.
But what would you use as fundamentalist bait?

Comment by Nigel Patel

Oh, just unbelievable. So can everyone who’s ever had sex outside of marriage; anyone who’s entered a church whilst menstruating and anyone who’s eaten shellfish can expect one of these letters too?

I always thought the main message of Christianity was “Love thy neighbour…” Maybe my version of the bible’s different to everyone else’s…

Comment by Hannah

Some people!

I had a good giggle at the dolphin!

Is your friend actually a Christian? If so, the Uniting Church has a book about why they don’t think homosexuality is a problem. I don’t remember off the top of my head what its called, but I can find it for you if you like.

Comment by Justine

GAH, I tried to comment earlier but stupid effing blogger wouldn’t let me.

Anyhow, this is simply hilarious, as are all the comments, too.

And Corinthians. Sigh. Written by Paul, who wrote many of the most spiteful, dictating passages of the New Testament.

Comment by katiedid

As I always say, I have no problem with people having invisible friends. When invisible friends start telling you who to like, dislike or generally be nasty to, then we have a problem.
That’s right, isn’t it Harvey?
(Exit stage left, arm in arm with 7 foot tall invisible rabbit.)

Comment by Stef the engineer

Someone I know has an excellent response to this kind of risible idiocy, which involves referring them to the bit in.. um.. Leviticus, possibly?.. that refers to the instruction to make live animal sacrifice.

Comment by Pashmina

Pashmina – I think you’re thinking of the reply to the Laura Schlessinger letter…

If anyone wants it, let me know and I’ll post it.

Comment by Hannah

I’m with kyahgirl. I can’t think of anything more than go f-ck yourself. Maybe, “go f-ck yourself, you f-cking f-ckers.”

Comment by Meegan

Threre’s something so innocently naive though, don’t you think, about the idea of the evil homosexual spirit blithely casting itself into the sea?
One can imagine seedy seaside excorcisms and prancings around on the shore. In fact I wonder if these people might actually be satanists having an identity crisis.

Comment by mig bardsley

I’m furious that I’ve never had a letter like that.
I’d have such fun replying to it.

Comment by Willie Lupin

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