My salad dressing days


Contains very mild innuendo
October 16, 2005, 7:52 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Going to the cinema is a rarity for me these days, and I am therefore far more discriminating about the choice of film than I was previously. So I’m hugely grateful to UCI, who are not only offering us information on the rating of the films shown in their cinemas, but their websites also offer a brief one line resume of what we can expect of the film.

It’s too cute, so let me share some with you:

Pride and Prejudice
Universal certificate
Contains very mild innuendo
[Gosh. Do they, perchance, mean the implausible fashion in which Keira Knightley sucks in her cheeks all the time?]

Sky High
Parental Guidance certificate
Contains mild fantasy violence and peril
[Mild fantasy violence I might be able to stomach but peril??]

Racing stripes
Universal certificate
Contains mild language and peril
[OK, on second thoughts, I might be able to handle peril if it’s accompanied by mild language.]

Wallace and Grommit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Universal certificate
Contains mild comic scary scenes and language
[And I thought I was over-indulgent when it came to adjectives. Are we to imagine that the language is ‘mild comic scary’ in nature, or is that just the scenes? Or are they assuming that, being an animated feature, we might not be expecting language? Confusing.]

Kinky Books
12A certificate
Contains moderate sex references and one use of strong language
[OK, the bets are on for the ‘one use of strong language’…I’m saying ‘b*gger’. Answers on a postcard please.]

Me, I would prefer even more detailed descriptions:

Independence Day
12A certificate
Contains silly-looking aliens and ridiculous tagline (‘Earth: Take a good look. It could be your last.’) and what the scriptwriters doubtless thought would be a rousing speech from the Preisdent (aka Bill Pullman) which will cause you to laugh out loud in the cinema – something which will engender looks of seething rage from your fellow cinema-goers

Lord of the Rings
Parental Guidance certificate
Contains elves and wizards and small creatures with silly names and hairy feet whose presence on screen will cause you to slip into a light coma much to the annoyance of your husband (also contains Cate Blanchett with stick-on pointy ears)

Shadowlands
Universal certificate
Contains Debra ‘I do a mean impersonation of a mother dying of cancer’ Winger whose demise will become apparent about twenty minutes into the film causing you to sob fat tears onto your shirt sleeve making you wish you had packed a man-sized box of Kleenex in your handbag before leaving the house

So, UCI web editor, please take note.

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7 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Independence Day made me feel so damn proud to be American that it took me at least ten minutes to remember that actually I’m not American at all.

Comment by GreatSheElephant

from pedant’s corner i brng you “kinky books“…

how about Lost in Translation – “a shameless waste of two hours of your life. marvel as absolutely nothing happens and panic slightly as you fail to understand what made this film so damn popular. contains very little action and a mild sedative.”

Comment by surly girl

SG: thnks four the tip-of re kinky bots – i’m leaving it as is for now

Comment by Urban Chick

bugger. trust me to manige a typoo when ponting ot a typu.

Comment by surly girl

Ah, yes, Independence Day, showing the world once again that only America can be relied upon to save the day, while everyone else sits back doing, apparantly, nothing at all.

And the world wonders where they get their sense of self-righteousness from …

And as far as LOTR goes, Cate in pointy ears was nightmare-inducing. But the nightmare is quelled by the wonderful sight of Liv Tyler, who is wonderfully gorgeous, even in pointy ears.

Comment by G

Oh, and the strong language in Kinky Books could possibly be ‘wanker’ also. Or does that qualify only as “mild language”?

Comment by G

I LOVED shadowlands. you’re absolutely right. The last time I watched it I went through half a toilet roll…( other half was finished by my room mate ) Nice to watch Anthony Hopkins in a non-scary role for a change.

Comment by edina monsoon




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