My salad dressing days

Parenting and food fascism
October 1, 2005, 11:11 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Ten McCommandments
1. If you dare consider giving your precious bundle of joy formula (otherwise known as The Evil Formula) in the first six months of its life, it will without a doubt, absolutely 100% guaranteed turn into the vilest teenager on the planet FIVE YEARS EARLY. Yes, really.

2. Not a grain of sugar (barring naturally-occurring fructose) must pass the lips of your babe until they are 18. Sugar is the devil incarnate and there’s little point pleading (as I did) ‘but I don’t believe in God’, because It Will Still Get You.

3. Rice cakes are the business. The blander the better. Hard core followers will not even permit so much as a dash of sticky apple juice on these slabs of crunchy nothingness. Rice cakes are instant karma and with them comes a cast iron guarantee of a place in Heaven.

4. Chocolate? Don’t. Just don’t. Think: antithesis to the famous Nike strapline.

5. Appropriate snacks are: Organix raisins, plain rice cakes and the occasional banana. These should suffice for the first twelve years of life.

6. Avoid situations where your child might be exposed to Evil Foodstuffs. Avoid birthday parties. Avoid other people. Try not to leave the house too often. Consider a move to Mars.

7. In the face of inevitable temptation, be sure and keep a roll of masking tape in your handbag. That way, should verbal persuasion fail, you have a neat back-up plan. (We have a lot to learn from kidnappers.)

8. The high priestess of Wholesome Kiddy Food is Annabel Karmel*. Do not take her name in vain EVER. Chicken and apple balls anyone?

9. Note that the old adage ‘motherhood and apple pie’ has been completely deconstructed since you last checked (on account of its sugar content).

10. Feeding your child The Wrong Sort Of Food only narrowly beats Letting Your Child Watch TV** in the Top Ten Of Evil Things Parents Do To Their Children.

* sainthood pending
** exceptions can be made for Baby Einstein DVDs


21 Comments so far
Leave a comment

There is something severely wrong with me clearly but I do like rule #7.

Comment by GreatSheElephant

so i guess chocolate biscuits in front of the teletubbies is bad? Geez and i wanted to be entered in the Parent and Child Best Mum 2006 competition.

Comment by spindleshanks

Hehehehe, I read this while sucking on butterscotch hard candies–only sugar and cheese take away my serious hungries, and I don’t have any cheese right now…
One of the high schools in my area has revamped their school lunch program, and is now serving much healthier stuff than they did in the past. The student reaction? They are boycotting! If they can’t have those fattening cheeseburgers, fries, and sugar cokes and cakes for dessert, they AIN’T buyin’. I say, Let Them Pack! Laziness will win the day, and they’ll discover better food.
Well, except for the truly incorrigibles.

Comment by actonbell

i LOVE this, miss wit. Rice cakes, though. Rice cakes. How good can it be to feed the little munchkins STYROFOAM? Which, we well know, is what rice cakes really are. Can they at least have a little peanut butter on them? With some (organix) raisins? Also you should make little faces with the raisins on top of the peanut butter. Because I’m sure you have time to do that. heh. xoxo

Comment by mireille

When I was weaned off of soy milk it was probably the last time anything soy based entered my body. Until my teens we all subsisted on Poverty Chow.
I’m not sure American children are allowed to eat organic food without having wealthy or hippy parents.

Comment by Nigel Patel

Ha ha, how true! And if any of these rules are broken, it’s the mother’s fault.

Comment by Meegan

Hee hee hee! You funny lady, you.

I clicked the link to the pending saint. The animation in her header is weirdly scary. Why are those vegetables smiling so crazily? They’re jumping into a stew pot. To be eaten. Freeekaaay.

And I spot a hypocrite – ketchup for the “chickballs”?? Ketchup has sugar!! And usually not even just sugar but high fructose corn syrup! The cheapest and most refined of all commercial sugars. *GASP*.

Nigel – that all depends on where in the US you live, in truth. In Oregon, certain organic veggies and fruits are cheaper than their convential counterparts since so much organic produce is grown locally. But when I go to visit my relatives in the Midwestern states, it’s hard to spot organic anything, and if you do the markup on it is impressive.

Comment by katiedid

Heh.. That explains SO much…

Comment by Hannah

the best part is sending your child to a fiercely competetive montessori nursery where the boden-clad parents vie to have the child with the strongest food principles (oh, flora simply won’t touch anything unless it’s organic. she can tell, you know)from the age of eighteen months. satisfaction comes on bumping into said families in the supermarket, where mummy is lobbing turkey twizzlers into the trolley while flora snarfs down monster munch like it’s the last five minutes on earth and there’s no food in heaven.

i’m done. carry on.

Comment by surly girl

LOL! La Leche League, aka the Boob Nazis. I know them well. Amazing that we can be weaned off of the boob before we’re 18 and leading functioning lives, yes?

Comment by Jonniker

I read this to my daughter so she will realize how lucky she is 🙂


Comment by Kyahgirl

I so wanted to go up for parent/grandparent of the year and now I know that I have failed and failed miserably. As my son was a formula baby, had sugar, went to bday parties and watched television. Now, the grandbaby is following in his steps.

#4 – I can’t even type the words, much less have. the. thoughts. of. never. having. cho ahhh, I just can’t finish the statement

Comment by KGrams

Tag – you’re it!

Comment by KGrams

There should also be a commandment about the aunties babysitting, as we take pleasure in breaking all rules.

With the exception of teaching swear words to children, as that’s actually not that funny.

Comment by Whinger

helllllllllllllllp! i’ve been shut out of the bloggosphere!

haven’t been able to log into blogger for over 14 hours and don’t seem to be able to leave comments on other blogs

and yet you good people seem to be OK/able to comment here

blogger says it was down for maintenance for ONE HOUR yesterday afternoon (pacific standard time) and this is the message i am still getting…

anyone else *suffering* too??!! of course, if you are, you probably can’t tell me so sending tea and sympathy your way too!


Comment by Urban Chick

i got back in about an hour ago – everyone else’s comments were working except mine! i thought it was just me and have fashioned a tinfoil hat to repel evil thought-rays.

carry on.

zjnsven: norwegian-korean fusion tribute act dedicated to david niven

Comment by surly girl

Marvellous post, I like it muchly and so, so true. I know people like this. I know parents who give their children food like sugarless rock-cakes of the type I wouldn’t give a dog. This same child is still stuck to her mother’s tit at nearly three years and cries if her mother turns her back on her for two minutes. Mother and child look like wraiths because they are up all night feeding. And this is a woman who will condemn every other parent in North London at the drop of a hat. This is a friend of Mrs T. I have to leave the room because my blood boils so much. It makes me quite – QUITE, I say – angry. Thank you for that.

Comment by Wyndham

Hi I´m Chris. Greatings from Germany Bottrop !!

Comment by ChrisWoznitza

🙂 My life has been so much happier since I stopped paying attention to all of those who judge and say thou shalt not.

I can’t see where the harm is in my daughter watching Dora the Explorer. It’s good to see her multiculturally practising saying “Hola Dora” and “Arriba.” And, while she is watching television I have time to actually prepare meals which I would struggle for otherwise. She was formula fed which maybe I will go to hell because of but I truly believe it saved me from post natal depression after a difficult pregnancy and emergency caesarian. As far as food goes moderation in all things is key and it is my considered opinion that organic food is a form of smug middle class food fetishisation and consumerism and also, in many cases, an overpriced scam. It also annoys me that as a term it is meaningless. All food is organic. That is what differentiates it from, for example, a rock.

Comment by Make Tea Not War

I am one of those aunties who indulge but then feel guilty later on. Yesterday I took my two nephews (8 and 5) to see Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. This outing coincided with the novel experience of them receiving pocketmoney. Frankly it was hard enough mentoring through their various financial transactions without also policing the sugar intake. I felt proud to have convinced them to buy the smallest drink size. It wasn’t till I handed them over that I remembered they hardly ever get softdrinks. Oops.

Comment by Ova Girl

But how will I ever get my little girl to live up to the girth requirments here in the US if I feed her nothing but rice cakes? She will fall behind her friends in the race toward juvenille diabetes!

I can’t have that!

Comment by GodlessMom

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