My salad dressing days


Because gynaecology can be funny too
September 14, 2005, 12:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

**Anyone of a sensitive disposition may wish to hit ‘next blog’**

Well, I said that menstruation can be funny, but there’s even more fun to be derived from the vagaries of women’s bits and their functionality (or not).

The chicklets’ creation required the help of a band of merry (not to mention well-remunerated) men and women in white coats. There was extensive poking and prodding over a period of years, but in amongst some of the hurt and heartache, there was no shortage of Stuff To Laugh About…

**********

Attending our pre-treatment ‘chat’ with one of the nurses, Mr Chick and I sat earnestly listening to the explanation of what the procedure in question would entail.

The nurse spluttered out the off-pat talk at a rate of knots which suggested that this was something she had already done twenty times so far that day and/or she was due her lunch break.

‘AndsowebringinMrChick’ssampleandMrsChickwewillshowittoyouand [breath] wewillaskyoutoconfirmitistherightsample…’

[Oh good, because I would recognise Mr Chick’s little swimmers ANYWHERE.]

‘NowthesamplewillhavebeencombinedwithaspecialliquidwhichisPINK. Now [deep breath] THIS DOES NOT MEAN THE BABY WILL BE A GIRL.’

Quick pause and some jaw-dropping from me and Mr Chick. We try to glance surreptitiously at each other. This nurse is not noted for her sense of humour, deadpan delivery or not. She is quite quite serious, so we can only guess this means that Someone Once Asked Her This Question. Yikes…

**********

We have arrived at the clinic for an appointment with our consultant: to hear how he felt the operation went and to have my stitches removed (lovely). As I am laid up on a bed being attended to by a nurse, the consultant opens up our file and, before Mr Chick can argue, he is pulling out coloured photographs of my innards (‘Righty ho! Now this is the cyst at the start of the procedure and here is my laser zapping it and there! See? It’s gone. Good, eh?’)

Mr Chick looks rather pale.

I am trying (unsuccessfully) to sneak a peek from my corner of the room.

Thing is, I want to ask for the video (YES, THERE IS A VIDEO OF MY INNARDS!!), but feel it would mark me out as something of a weirdo, and so I don’t. This remains a regret of mine, even to this day…

**********

Another day, another procedure.

This one requires those metal tong things (ladies: you know the ones I mean) and a catheter.

The kindly doctor says: ‘Now I know how cold these can feel [do you? do you? HOW??] so I usually warm them up under a hot tap.’

Well, I have become quite open to experimentation when it comes to medical procedures, so I say: ‘OK! Whatever!’

And you know what? It was rather nice and I decide to tell the doctor this (well, even in this my most desperate hour, I am thinking altruistically and want to see other members of the sisterhood benefit from this innovation).

‘Oh good!’, he replies.

‘In fact, it’s almost, well, pleasant for a change…’

‘Mr Chick!’ he guffaws. ‘Hold your hands over your ears!!’

[Picture both Mr Chick and I feigning laughter but rolling our eyes at one and the same time.]

**********

And then the countless occasions when bodily fluids were being extracted from or chemical concoctions being injected into a small hole in my arm/thigh/bottom.

‘Now you’ll just feel a little prick…’

*********

Footnote: It’s too bad. I only just found the blog Chez Miscarriage: Who says infertility can’t be funny? but it appears that she has blogged off, quite understandably, after giving birth to her clearly much-longed for child. What a shame. If anyone can tell how to find the archives, please do.

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11 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Can’t wait til its my turn!

Comment by Justine

ooh, the cold speculum….

and the fabulous indignity of giving birth, and the deeply unsettling home visit from my GP which involved me being examined, ahem, down there on my own bed which felt very, very wrong.

as an aside, there’s a guy in the office today with a shirt and tie in the exact colours of your template.

Comment by surly girl

You have to possess a sense of humor about the whole thing, you’d go crazy if you didn’t! There is nothing I hate more than a male doctor telling me that he knows what I feel. Oh yeah? Really? Let’s trade places!

Comment by GodlessMom

lucky said chicklets are so cute!

Comment by suburban bantam

Funny post today, UC. I have actually attended tradeshows for OBGYN’s here in the US. OMG!!! The manufacturers display all the latest torture equipment right there, out in the open, some with manequins spread eagle, ready to show you how its done. UGH! Then there are the videos showing the latest techniques. It’s dreadful!! That little instrument you show here is so tame compared to what we don’t see. Sorry, I just had to share. lol, lol. (ya gotta laugh)

Comment by linda

This is hilarious. Hmm, you mean sperm aren’t pink and blue?

Comment by Meegan

Someday you, Mr. Chick and the chicklets will all be sitting around the fire … and you’ll be regaling them with tales of their conception. There will be much discomfited squirming, eyerolling and crossing of legs, but you’ll do it anyway. Because that’s what parents are for. xoxo

Comment by mireille

At least your children can delight in the false delusion that it’s possible you and Mr. Chick never had sex, as nothing is worse than picturing your parents in that compromising position.

Comment by Whinger

Great stories UC!
I have a few of my own but they are best kept locked away, along with the dead body of the gynecologist who told me ‘your cervix has no feeling, this won’t bother you’ Yeah right.

xo
Laura

Comment by Kyahgirl

Funny, yes. Discomfiting, also yes.

In the words of one of the world’s great admirers of womanhood, Howard Stern: this kind of talk is giving me the douche chills!

Carrry on…

Comment by elvira black

this reminds me of one exam I had. Part way through the doctor shouted “Christ almighty, I’ve never seen blue ones before.” Then nothing more was said. It was only when I was getting dressed that I noticed I was wearing blue polish on my toes

Comment by GreatSheElephant




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