My salad dressing days

September 2, 2005, 1:22 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I was shopping the other month with my dear chum The Plate Invigilator.

[It may surprise you to learn that I loathe shopping. I will only agree to a shopping expedition if it is heavily punctuated with breakfast, tea, lunch and coffee breaks.]

We were in our favourite shop (a common-or-garden chain within a groaningly large department store with delusions of grandeur) and within the space of seven minutes, I had grabbed four items of clothing, tried them on and got myself to the till to buy them (my dislike of shopping does make me very decisive).

I handed them to the shop assistant, we exchanged pleasantries (‘ooh, what’s the weather like outside? is it still raining? I’d never know in here!’…’oh, you poor soul…yes, it’s still tipping it down and here’s me with no umbrella!’) and she began to ring up and wrap up my goods.

Shop assistant: Oh, this is a lovely skirt! And it’s so, well, forgiving!
[Read: you’re fat. This item is a marvel at disguising reams of cellulite.]

Shop assistant: I like this top. I think you’ll find it travels eversowell.
[Read: you clearly don’t own an iron. Just look at those linen trousers!]

It was clear that I was expected to smile moronically at these comments. Which I did (of course).

Hello? Do they think we have not learnt some rudimentary Shopassistantspeak?


6 Comments so far
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Goodness gracious UC, another thing we have in common- I hate shopping, with a passion. Er, unless of course we’re talking perfume! OH, and I hate ironing too!
I’m sure that British shop assistants are deadly with their veiled insults. I’ve never met such a dry, cutting, witty race of people in my life. Must be why I love British humour.

Comment by Kyahgirl

You know UC, I’d got you pegged as an inveterate shopper. The stereotypical middle-Englander, bored when not attending to the kids, findng relief in shoe shops, clothes racks and hubby’s wallet. I take my hat off to you.

It think it was the shoes and handbags that did it. Well how was I to know?

Comment by Swifty

ha! i love to defy expectations!

Comment by Urban Chick

Passive-aggressive shop assistants … with thinly veiled insults masquerading as compliments to your clothes-sense … oh, just let me go with you next time. “So forgiving.” grrrrrr xoxo

Comment by mireille


translates “as i know you live in a poky hovel where you heat soup in the place where you get your hot water”….

or am i just paranoid? shop assistants. gah….

Comment by surly girl

ooo, catty shop assistants! Sadnews. I’m with you: I pick it out and GET out.

Comment by actonbell

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