My salad dressing days


A must-read article from a vintage edition of ‘Imelda – for shoe lovers everywhere’…
December 13, 2004, 2:45 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized
Going through a pile of old mags, I came across this fabulous and highly informative piece in a vintage edition of the long-since-folded and much-missed Imelda! magazine:

An Imelda! exclusive

Last week academics at the University of Tooscientificfortheirowngood, Minnesota, published the findings of their much-anticipated research ‘How many pairs of shoes does a girl need? The footwear needs of modern woman’. Professor Igetbywithapairofhushpuppies and Dr Whoneedstrainers have spent the past three years travelling the globe in search of an answer and what they have come up with is a simple formula to conquer this age-old female dilemma.

We decided to put this novel formulaic approach to the test and to this end we enlisted the help of Shoe Guru, Melinda Kitten Heels.

Melinda’s work shoe wearing state (WSWS) ratio:

“Ok. Let’s say that I am awake and in a shoe wearing state for say, 11.5 hours of a weekday. I tend to slip into a pair of vaguely sensible court type shoes at around 8.30am before slurping a mug of tea and dashing out the front door. I am likely to be in a SWS more or less continuously until such time as I collapse onto the sofa on my return from the office at around 6.30pm on a normal day. But allowing for the occasional post-work trip to the pub and/or an every-so-often late night shopping outing, let’s call that 7.30pm. My weekly visit to the cinema may just push it up to 8pm, but thereafter we move into what I understand the professor terms a shoeless zone (SZ) – bar, of course, the odd few minutes when I may need to don an aged pair of slippers in order to brave the tiled kitchen floor.”

We calculated Melinda’s WSWS ratio to be 11.5hrs per day / 57.5 hrs per week (based on a five day working week).

Melinda’s party shoe wearing state (PSWS) ratio:

“Weekends are a little different. Assuming a lie-in on at least one of the two days, and allowing for a minimum of two hours for mooching around in bedwear sipping hot beverages and reading the paper, all being well I can usually be expected to enter a SWS at around 10.30am. As a general rule I can expect to kick off my shoes at a later hour, although Saturdays and Sundays also differ in that time spent in a SWS may be broken up by shoeless moments as and when I switch between walk-in-the-park brown suede boots, casual look Nikes and electric blue velour clubbing sandals. So let’s say my average time spent in a PSWS on weekends is 9 hours each day – 10.30am to 11.30pm minus an average of 2 hours for shoe switching and obligatory weekend luxury bubble baths.”

We calculated Melinda’s PSWS ratio to be: 11 hrs per day / 22 hrs per week.

Now, to put the formula to work…

Total hours spent in SWS per week: 57.5 + 22 = 79.5 hours

Melinda’s WSWS: 57.5 divided by 79.5 = 72%
Melinda’s PSWS: 22 divided by 79.5 = 28%

The academics have rather ungenerously set the INSQ (International Necessary Shoewear Quota) at four pairs per person, which would give Melinda approximately three pairs of work shoes and just one pair of party shoes.

When we showed Melinda the results, her reaction was far from muted:

“This is ridiculous! I mean, how on earth is a girl to keep her sanity with just one pair of party shoes? It’s clear to me that these guys must sit in some sort of ebony tower or something…there’s no way they can claim to be in touch with the footwear wants and needs of ’90s women. I’m sorry, but I just can’t buy this whole formula approach.”

Imelda! says:

GIRLS, IGNORE THESE BONKERS BOFFINS! ARE WE REALLY EXPECTED TO TAKE THE ADVICE OF SOME HUSH PUPPIE-WEARING, FOOTWEAR-CHALLENGED BONEHEADS? THE ANSWER IS NO. GO FORTH AND FILL YOUR WARDROBE WITH AS MANY PAIRS OF PARTY SHOES AS YOUR IKEA SHOERACKS WILL ALLOW. AND REMEMBER: IT’S SHOES THAT TAKE YOU WHERE YOU NEED TO GO IN LIFE…

Imelda! For shoe lovers everywhere, 1998

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4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Very cute. But a bit too technical for me this early on a Saturday. I need another cup of coffee.

Comment by Meegan

I once scared off a potential lady-friend when she saw that I had fifteen pair of shoes.
She was appalled.
She only owned three books so, so was I.

Comment by Nigel Patel

Hurray for Ilmedla, is a woman after my heart. Let’s here it for the SHOES!!! Yes, I am a shoe alholic, or as my favorite mug says Shoe Goddess. I could have saved them a lot of money and time if they just would have askd me.

Comment by KGrams

I have always thought that Imelda would be a wonderful name for a daughter.
If I ever had a daughter I’m not so sure she would agree.

Comment by Nigel Patel




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